When your daughter won't talk to you

I fully, fully expected to be writing this post when she was a teenager. But at age 5? Oy vey! The past couple weeks have been totally unchartered territory for Graham and I and I'm scared to think what else could be coming down the pipe if KINDERGARTEN is already this hard. Sigh.

It all started (or so we think) just over two weeks ago when I got a call from the nurse at Isla's school. She'd been crying in class and claiming that she did not feel well. Because this was the first time her teacher had ever, ever heard Isla raise even a pinky of resistance, she took the conservative approach and sent her to the nurse. After talking to her on the phone and hearing the sadness in her voice, I came to pick her up. It took me about 3 seconds to realize she wasn't actually ill. But I went with it since there was only about 50 minutes left in the school day and Isla joined the rest of us on our errands. We enjoyed a typical weekend at home and then began the new week as normal. Except things were no longer normal. Our formerly uber-cheerful-happy-go-lucky girl began crying daily both before leaving for school and reportedly multiple times during class. Her teacher said she was claiming to "miss me" and be sad. I kicked it into high gear and was super intentional about spending extra time with her, talking, cuddling and even doing a one-on-one date. I poured in and poured in and poured in. To no avail. Her figurative bucket had giant hole and all the extra lovin' seemed to drain out faster than I could keep it going in. Graham says he can relate to this feeling of futility I was experiencing. But that's another story...

We chalked it up to "all the recent changes" in our lives and tried to convince ourselves that she was long overdue to experience some adjustment challenges. But her sadness ate away at me and my mama instinct told me not to write it off. The more we tried to talk with Isla about what was bothering her, the more she shut down. Before we knew it, any school-related conversation was met with a vehement "I don't want to talk about it!!!" Something was really upsetting our sweet girl and I felt entirely helpless.

We communicated daily with her teacher, either in person or via email to find out how things were going and to attempt to trouble shoot. Eventually I gathered enough information through snippets of conversations to feel pretty confident it was someone and not something that was bothering her. When it became quite obvious we were getting nowhere, I questioned her directly about a particular individual, and she fell to the floor crying and yelling "I don't want to talk about it!!!" Her response was so intense and almost knee-jerk in nature that I knew we were finally onto something.

Can I just stop right here and say how heart-breaking and freaky and nerve-wracking it is to watch your child be affected in this way and have literally NO idea what exactly is bothering her? When the sky's the limit, your adult mind goes EVERYWHERE. Everywhere, I tell you. I feared making a mountain out of a mole hill but my heart of hearts also screamed that children are so very impressionable and life-long damage can happen early and in a flash. I worried about every conversation. Everything I said. Everything I didn't say. How I said it. One wrong word or wrong tone could send the wrong message that she could carry with her forever. I guess that about sums up parenting for you in a nutshell. We're always one sentence away from totally screwing up our kids. Or so we fear.

I worried I was acting to fast. But then again I wondered if I hadn't been fast enough. WHAT THE HECK WAS GOING ON WITH MY KID??!!! Did I need to pull her out of school? Homeschool? Switch classes? Deep breath. Think, think, think! I entertained the idea of getting her in to see a counselor ASAP to see if they could use their magical therapy powers to get her to open up. I beat myself up that I could already, only 5 1/2 years in, have communicated the underlying message that I was not a safe place for my child. That somehow she couldn't tell me what was going on. That I might be mad at her or upset at her or that she might be in trouble if she told me. How?! It nearly killed me.

Once we determined what, well actually, who, we believed to be the problem, we requested that Isla move to a new table to provide some distance between her and this child. This was last Tuesday. Her teacher was 100% on board and, as a side note, has been so loving and caring through this whole process. I praise the Lord that she is also a believer and she has been taking extra time to encourage Isla in class when she starts feeling sad. I wish I could report that everything is great now. Things have definitely improved some but we have yet to figure out what exactly is happening to upset Isla so much. I'd like to give a shout out to Graham who is incredible in situations like this and I'm so grateful for his level-headed yet caring brains. Slowly but surely, he's been able to get Isla to open up, bit by bit, more and more.

I'm beginning to think (which will probably come as no surprise to any of you with child psychology experience) that she literally cannot tell us what is bothering her. It isn't that she is intentionally keeping it from us. It's that she is unable to put into words how she feels when she is around this child. Even if this is not the case, I'm choosing to believe it for now as I don't think my mama ego could handle the alternative at the moment. We have been successful with making statements like "I'm afraid he is going to hurt my feelings" and she will tell us if our statement is "close" or "far" but beyond that, we're coming up empty.

Until we get to the bottom of this, we are doing our earthly parent best to pour on the love, thick and rich. We have been giving her extra hugs, reminding her all the time that she is safe, that Jesus is always with her, that we are here to help her, that she can tell us anything and we won't be upset. She still "doesn't want to talk about it" whenever we ask.

She's been our always-lively 5 year old again this weekend, outside of the classroom, and so that's been refreshing. But tomorrow is Monday and with it likely will come a new batch of anxiety though I'm praying that won't be the case! As for ME, I am trying to take comfort in the fact that ultimately, she is the Lord's. She has been entrusted to my care and I am going to do my darnedest to be super mom. But also, I can let go and rest assured that He loves her oh so very much more than I ever could or will. Pray for us, will you?

Happy Half Emma! (and 42 months)

...And now we have a 3 1/2 year old! She's already asking when she will turn 4 but I digress. The majority of her day was spent with Daddy and her siblings while I was at work (boo!) I am told she chose a bowl of granola over Starbucks for breakfast which just goes to show her sudden undying love for the cereal. Graham took her to the zoo where they got to ride the carousel and eat left over pizza for lunch out of a gift bag. After I arrived home, we buzzed off to a nearby park to open her present and savor the last few glimmers of sunlight.

She is now the proud owner of her very first piggy band which she decorated herself with paint and gobs upon gobs of glitter glue. That evening, in lieu of a celebration at home, she opted to attend an extended family party for many of the members of the Crozier side. We are pretty sure she thought the party was for her and who are we to pop that bubble? The crew humored our crazy celebratory selves and sang Happy Half Birthday to a beaming Emma. :) 

Have I mentioned yet that my second born learned to ride a 2 wheeler at age 3? As if that wasn't awe-inspiring enough, she can now rock that thing for 2+ miles and only stopped because her mama wanted to. I think she would live on these two wheels if I let her! 

We were gifted tickets to Cirque du Soleil and so we got to take the girls over the weekend. As if their expressions don't speak for themselves, they were PUMPED. The invisible lion made Emma a little nervous but she was otherwise enthralled. We amped them up on cotton candy at intermission...

...which worked to fight off sleep until around 10 PM when Emma finally asked if we could go home yet. The exhausted girl laid across our laps and within minutes, she was out.

I think the kids are ganging up on us in pursuit of a canine. Emma is my real dog lover, approaching to pet any dog she sees. We are staving off any real conversations about getting a dog by visiting Spot at Target and also by providing her with balloon "pets" on strings which is practically the same as a real dog. (Am I such a horrible person that I don't want a dog!? I mean, it feels like we have enough going on in our lives right now. Right? RIGHT?!)  

Anyhow, I am MORE than happy to help get the kiddos their dog fix with OTHER people's dogs. Here is Emma with her favorite dog, Hank. Ok he's mine too. If I were to ever decide to get a dog, I would want to clone this adorable sweet little dude. Emma was SO pleased to get to walk him all by herself one sunny day a couple weeks back.

Emma loves to be outside and the rain and muddy state of our backyard doesn't deter her. Her favorite outdoor activity, second to biking and dog walking is definitely bubble blowing.

Emma can write all the letters in her name and is starting to identify other letters and numbers on signs. We were thrilled to find a preschool for Emma to attend next year that she loves. We went for just a visit and within minutes she was asking me when I was going to leave. I think it's safe to say she felt comfortable! She continues to struggle with some stuttering, worse at times, better at others, so we are beginning the process of pursuing speech therapy through the Northshore School District. I am told it is difficult to qualify so we shall see. But contacting the district regarding speech therapy connected us with her future preschool which is run by an awesome teacher who worked with speech therapists for 5 years. We think it's going to be a great fit for Emma! 

 

Isla turns 5 1/2 (and 66 months)

 Last week was a busy week around here: two of our munchkins advanced a half year in age which meant some extra fun and celebrations. Isla's half fell on a school day and she requested (with only a smidge of parental influence) chocolate waffles with strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast. She'd talked to her teacher earlier in the week and asked permission to bring in a special half birthday treat for the class and so we sent her off to school armed with lollipops. Her teacher (we love her!) had a half birthday crown prepared for her to wear. 

The half birthday girl requested a playdate with her classmate Savannah and the two of them spent the afternoon doing all sorts of arts and crafts and painting up a storm. For dinner, Isla asked for pasta THAT WASN'T SPICY and she loaded up her adult-sized plate and proceeded to down the entire thing. She eats pasta like her mama. We are both still mastering the whole twirl-around-the-fork technique.

Red Velvet Cupcakes were on the menu for dessert. Isla had requested they be topped with dogs (her latest passion) but Amazon let us down and they didn't arrive on time and so Isla told me she had an idea. Next thing I knew, she had pulled out some strawberries and arranged on decoratively atop each cupcake. *LOVE* You know what else I love? This picture of Graham and Isla. Their relationship has been rather precarious as of late and I'm so proud of Graham who has been charging on and pursuing her like crazy despite frequent rejections. I so love that I captured this tender moment of bonding.

Did I mention Isla is obsessed with dogs? I don't know how it started because she's always been my timid one around canines. But she came home from a trip to her grandparents in Bellingham insisting she was going to raise puppies and sell the babies at the Farmer's Market. Oh wow. I just can't wait to run a puppy farm. Anyhow, we capitalized on this new passion and bought her a TOY dog complete with leash and all the accoutrements. She was quite pleased and we have thus delayed the entry of a dog into our family until, God forbid, she "turns 6," according to the source.

In other news, our eldest remains a very social creature and is enjoying playdates as frequently as I can schedule them. She is also quite the homebody and usually requests to "just stay home" when given a choice of adventures. We're beginning to encounter a little trouble at school with her missing me and growing teary in class. It's about time we experienced some side effects to all our stressful life changes lately, I guess. Poor girl! 

 

Overall, she remains my energetic, enthusiastic, busy eldest who is soaring with her reading skills and makes a pretty great companion for chapter book reading too. Love her!

Jack 16 months

This kid is awesome. He also happens to be incredibly lucky to be alive. In case there was any question before: boys and girls are very, very different. I know that now. Thankfully God made boys with 9 lives, just like cats and though we have had many close calls, Jack is still with us. Every time I turn around, he seems to be balancing precariously on some high piece of furniture or standing on his rocking chair holding his hands in the air with a look in his eyes that says "No hands, Mom!" 

 

Even though I have to watch him like a hawk, I LOVE this age. He's talking and understanding so much and beginning to repeat words after us. Some new words include hot (which he whispers), wow, this (which is usually his binky), tooth, walk, woof, light and Emma (which actually means up).

He LOVES being outside and has a new affinity for slides at the park. He's quite a daredevil. He can climb up and down stairs with no trouble at all and just needs a little help getting his legs out in front of him before he slides so he doesn't go head first.

 

In other news, he seems to have claimed his musical passion: DRUMS!

Now that he is walking, running really, he says "walk walk walk" all the time and squirms to be put down so he can book it. We've also noticed a lot of times he'll be walking around the house on his tip toes for some reason.

The sweet boy now has 5 teeth and I'm pretty sure he's getting more based on his behavior. Yesterday he fought sleep all day and then finally fell asleep in my arms for the first time in months. It was heavenly! Love my little cuddle bug.

Adios, Facebook Phone App

Well, it happened. Facebook is officially off my phone. I wish I could claim some act of great noble-ness that instigated this big step for me. Actually it was nothing of the sort. Maybe ironically so, I was at a social gathering WITH REAL PEOPLE IN THE FLESH this weekend when I went to pull out my phone and noticed that the app wasn't there anymore. This has happened before and so my gut instinct was to go and retrieve it from this mysterious "cloud" in a series of simple clicks. But something in me gave me pause. Call it a sign or an act of God or whatever you will but unfortunately this accidental purse deletion was what it took to make me finally pull the trigger. 

 

I've been wanting to free myself from this Facebook addiction (truly it is for me!) for quite some time but just couldn't do it. I'm told this is called FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out. Oh man, and I've got a case of it something fierce. I fear that by getting rid of this form of social media, I will miss something big. Some giant life event or achievement or something will happen and I won't know. And guess what? I'm pretty sure this will be the case actually. I've seen it happen - family members missing invitations to parties simply because the only form of invite was via Facebook. But I've gotten (or maybe I'm still getting present tense) to a place where this is ok with me. I trust that my close relationships are strong enough that I will be informed enough. Those that want me somewhere will make sure I know to be there. Does that make sense?

 

So I've been Facebook phone-free for two full days now. I'm shocked and appalled to realize how many times I reach for my phone to pursue FB. I've caught myself trying to figure out what else to surf to fill the time I've freed. It will be really easy to find a new addiction and so I'm trying to nip those urges in the bud and try something super old fashioned like to talk to people - my kids, my husband, the parents waiting at school pick up and drop off.

 

I LOVE the Facebook of old - the pictures of people I love and of their kids and the stories about all the hilarious things their kids do and say. But this version is a thing of the past and I want to be more intentional with my time. I love writing and I have come to realize opportunities to do so are not just going to fall into my lap. I have to make time for them. I will be keeping my toe in social media over on Instagram so that I don't totally shrivel up and grow out of touch. And let's be honest, I JUST LOVE INSTAGRAM AND CAN'T GIVE IT UP. I may log into Facebook on the real live computer every once in a while but I want these times to be intentional and not the subconscious time-sucks they have been. So, if you want to keep up with me and my family and the crazy things my kids do and say, check back to this blog, my cooking blog kelsieskitchen.com and my Instagram feed. I'll do my best to keep y'all up-to-date there. :)

Emma 41 Months

Oh my word - is that not just the best picture of our little Emma navigating the zoo?!? *I melt*

She is definitely in her happy place when amongst the animals. 97% of the time she'll answer "go to the zoo!" when asked what she wants to do each day.

Before I gush any further about this lovely lady, allow me to share with you that my THREE YEAR OLD can officially ride her bike. With pedals. Sans training wheels. I am so proud!!! And so is she. We were aren't at the zoo, she's begging to go out riding. LOOK AT HER!!!

The process helped me put my finger on something that I'd never recognized about her before: she is fiercely determined. I love this, maybe because I can relate. She was bound and determined to ride and after minimal assistance, she was off. Watch out world, this girl is going to go places.

It was pointed out to me that she also has a mind for puzzles. She has this unique ability to grab any old piece, be it edge or not (usually not) and slap it right into place in 3 seconds flat.

She is learning through osmosis (because I certainly haven't been teaching her!) how to write a number of letters and knows how to spell her name. Though her vocabulary has expanded ten-fold, she continues to stutter, sometimes more significantly than others and so we are in the process of seeking out some speech therapy to help her with that.

She continues to be my kitchen helper and I love her company. Her specialties include cutting and whisking and egg-cracking. And tasting. 

She and her sister have taken to fighting over who gets to sit next to me at mealtimes which is quite fun (insert heavy sarcasm here). But then when it comes time to pray, she is sure to tag on her own little addition: "and thank you for Christmas!" It makes me smile every time. She's something else, that's for sure!



Isla 65 Months

My 5 year old has done a lot of things to make me proud but can we all just hold the phone a moment here to proclaim it from the rooftops that I AM SO PROUD OF HER!!!!!! We have been through enough large transitions to last us a decade over the course of her short life and she is just taking it in stride. She kicked off 2015 with a new hair-do and a new school and both suit her quite nicely, if I do say so myself. 

She is doing half-day Kindergarten at Woodmoor Elementary and I think we are all thankful. Although the school days are short and keep us essentially tied to or near the house in the morning hours, the reduced length has done wonders for the stamina of her attitude "after hours." She comes home chipper and with adequate reserves to make it through the rest of the day. We love her teacher, Mrs. Vendelin and she has said she "couldn't have asked for a better transition" for Isla. She is keeping up if not ahead of the other kiddos in her class and is making friends (though she can't necessarily remember their names...) She misses her "best friend Maya" from her old school very much but we are arranging out-of-school playdates so they can see each other. 

 

Isla is writing a ton and reading too (wow!!) It's really fun to see this skill blossom and also a little scary to think of all the things that are no longer going to fly under her radar. She and I (and Emma!) are reading a chapter book together by one of my favorite childhood authors, Beverly Clearly. It's a fun to have a special activity I do with my girls.

I told Isla the other day that I love her friendliness to others and that it helps me become brave and make friends. Case in point: a few weeks back, a neighbor who we talked to once before we closed on the house, stopped by. We didn't get much past reminding one another of our names before Isla welcomed them in and asked if they could please come up and join her on a tour of the house. The neighbor was obviously touched and commented on how kind we were. Sometimes, you gotta think like a kid, People.

 

Isla is still very much a mama's girl and I was reminded the other day that this might not be the bad thing I make it out to be. Though I would love a little space every year or so, there are worse things she could aspire to be like, I suppose. Lately, she wants to do everything like me so when I wear rain boots, so does she. :) It's warming this mama's heart.

Pictured above is Isla in a party hat she made for Graham's half birthday. The grocery store didn't have any so we were forced to make our own. I love her enthusiasm and willingness to help. On that note, she's been doing some extra jobs like laundry and dishes to earn some money. Her school is doing a fundraiser for heart disease and it's been fun to watch my little girl go all entrepreneurial on me and get herself some "jobs." It's been also neat to watch her heart of generosity swell as she emptied all that she'd saved for the last year to put toward the fundraiser. Do you see why I'm proud of her yet?