On Being Spirited

This post goes out to all my fellow Mama Bears!

I've been introduced to some new parenting verbage this week. The term is "spirited" and I think it will henceforth be making regular appearances in our conversations around here. I know I've been focusing a lot of my eldest on the blog as of late and I'm not sure which is most true in our situation - that the squeakiest wheel gets the grease or that, just as a wise soul once told me, you spend the majority of your parental "worry allotment" on your firstborn. Whichever the case, the pile of books on my bedside table right now are all dedicated to this one. Oy vey.

I love this girl with all my heart AND it just so happens that the last couple weeks with her have been particularly challenging. She is an amazing, intelligent, sensitive, strong and caring person and I love her fiercely. She is a lot like her mama which means there is a good chance she is going to find herself hurt and misunderstood more times than I'd care to admit OR just end up driving those around her batty. Now more than ever, I've felt my Mama Bear urges bubbling, pushing me to figure out more deeply what makes this girl tick, what makes her thrive, and how I can best help her put her strengths to their best use. 

So enter this new-to-me term "spirited." According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the book Raising Your Spirited Child, which I read in it's entirety in ONE WEEKS TIME (and I wasn't even on vacation!!!!), a spirited child is essentially a child who is more. She writes "They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children." This, I'm realizing, is a strikingly accurate description of my eldest. Now that I mention it, my parents are probably sitting on the edge of their seats right now as they read this, experiencing that odd sensation of deja vu. I'm pretty sure they would be the first to tell you that this "spirited" thing sounds like an all too familiar depiction of their second born (yours truly). I guess as the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The funny thing about all this is that it comes as somewhat of a surprise to me. Why, I'm not quite sure. My parents can credit me would 75% of the book titles on their parenting book shelves, I'm sure. That's right folks, The Strong-Willed Child title on their nightstand was not for my sister. My husband would even tell you that, when he asked for my hand in marriage, my dad made sure he fully knew what he was signing up and that he was truly up for the challenge. My father shared stories from my childhood, highlighting my nature and strong tendencies such as how I used to go on hikes with both of my arms outstretched, blocking any others from passing and ensuring I would "win" and make it to our destination first. If that's not spirit, I'm not sure what is. Thankfully, I'd already aired my cards in our dating relationship and these stories did not cause my to-be husband to run.

So you would think I'd know, being a spirited myself, how to handle my own spirited child. Nope. Not to say the least. In some cases, I think it causes us to be even more abrasive with one another, fighting intensely, both in seek of control. This book was really good for me and my parenting but, as leafed through it, I found myself laughing aloud at times, all the while, thinking there were a lot of great suggestions in there that Graham could try out on me...like put in me in a soothing bath when I'm flipping out for instance. :)

But in all seriousness, this "spirit" can be oh so very frustrating and even anger-inducing at times for parents (and I'm sure for spouses too - ha). But, the take-home message for me that I've been contemplating this week is that spirited kids are some of the most amazing and passionate of souls who need to be shepherded especially well in their childhood years, as they learn about the world around them and how they fit in. The collective "we" can be so quick to label these precious kiddos as loud or bossy or argumentative or easily frustrated. These labels are so damaging and I loved how the book encourages readers to reframe these titles into positives: instead of loud, tell your child they are zestful and enthusiastic. Instead of argumentative, replace it with opinionated and strongly committed to ones goals. Similarly, stubborn turns into assertive and willing to persist in the face of difficulty and whiny becomes analytical. These kids need to know their gifts. Trust me. And they need help maneuvering their big emotions and may require a little (ok a LOT of) patience in the process. (Hello personal pep talk...)

I just loved this this quote at the end of the book and I found myself choking back tears as I read:

"Love your spirited child for who she is. Let her make you laugh. Let her share with you how she sees, hears, and experiences the things around her. Allow her to enrich your life. Because she is more, she will make you more. Spirited kids are like roses in my garden. They need more attention. Throw a little water on the other flowers and they grow. Not the rose, it needs special treatment. It has to be pruned and guided in its growth. Other flowers can be plucked, pulled and mauled by a preschooler and still last for weeks on your dining room table. If you treat a rose roughly it will wilt in your hands or stab you, make you bleed."

Wow. So with that, good luck to you fellow mamas of spirited kids! Hang in there! Your kids are born with great gifts and are deeply loved and valued by God. I'm scared to death every day that I'm going to screw mine up but let's keep plugging. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. 

Happy Birthday, Baby Jack

To my darling Jack,

I know you really aren't a baby anymore, but I'll never accept it. I captured this shot of you this morning, gazing up at your birthday balloon. I promise I'll buy you a balloon every year of your life if it makes you this happy. I adore you, child. Our bond is something else.

God sure knew what He was doing when he gave you to our family. Yes of course Daddy secretly hoped for another man to join his clan, but, oh my, mommy was the one who was really in for a treat. I don't know what you've done to me kid, but you've got me wrapped around your little finger for sure. I never knew how much I needed a son until I met you! The past few years have been rough on me but you've been my buddy keeping me company though it all. I can't quite put it to words but you came at the tail end of a hard season for our family and you have been like our beam of sunshine. It seems whenever I feel the clouds of life setting in, I'll find you walking at my side and asking for my hand or running over for a snuggle. It's simply the best. I've said it before but I will say it again: I would change your middle name to something that means Joy if I could.

You are getting so big and adventurous! Not a day goes by that I don't have to change your socks because you've escaped shoe-less outside into our swamp of a yard. I love our neighbors because so far, they've always returned you to us. You are always pushing chairs around the house to get access to thing just a smidge higher like the microwave or the kitchen drawers. You love babies and push toys and buses and boots and the color blue and trains and trucks and planes and your binky and all of your family but particularly your grandpas. You play very well on your own but if things get too quiet, I can pretty much guarantee I will find you upstairs with a binky in your mouth and your crib pushed across the room so you could retrieve it.

You are our cheerful little charmer for sure. You wake up singing in the morning and then you WANT to go down for your nap in the afternoon. I mean, what more could we ask for, really? You've entered this new phase where you answer "Mmm-kay" whenever we ask you to do something or summarize how something is going to go down. It melts me every time. I love watching you in the midst of other kids. If they are screaming, so are you. If they are laughing, you are too. Typically you have no idea what is going on but it's never stopped you. You can run and scream with the best of 'em.

Today, on your 2nd birthday, I want you to know how incredibly loved that you are. I pray that you would grow to know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior and that you would serve Him always. I pray that you would continue to bring joy to many just by being you and that you would grow up to serve your family well. You are such a gift to us and we love you so much!

Happy Birthday Jack Attack!

Love,
Mom

Isla, the Extrovert

I had the most amazing aha moment last week. Any of you who know my sweet Isla Pie are probably going to totally laugh at me. My husband sure did. He couldn't believe it took me this long to realize that MY ELDEST IS AN EXTROVERT. Say WHAT?!? I know. Mind. Blown. 

No seriously. I had like no idea. Maybe I just thought is was too early to make the call. Or maybe it was that she and I are similar in so many ways that it never crossed my mind that we could have this vastly opposite personality trait. But when it finally dawned on me, it made so much sense. I was almost giddy with relief as the pieces clicked together in my head. Thoughts like OH MY GOSH I GET IT NOW run through mind every 3 seconds or so since this life-altering revelation.

I adore this child. Like really adore her. She's the sweetest and most thoughtful human who has ever walked the planet. You have Christmas wishes? Send her your list. She will do everything in her power to gather her pennies to buy every last item you requested. She is always wanting to sell things. Anybody's things, just to make a dime. And you can bet your bottom dollar she'll drag me curbside along with her to sell her wares. The other day she said told me she wanted to be a runner. Feeling a great sense of pride in passing on such a lovely and healthy aspiration along to my child, I told her that was a great idea. Then she proceeded to ask me how she could earn money by running. Ha. 

Anyway, she's amazing is so many ways and definitely the kind of friend you dream of your kid having. She started 1st grade this year which means full days every day all year long. I was bracing myself for the post-school, I've-been-around-too-many-people-all-day overstimulated meltdowns. To my surprise though, she typically bolts from her classroom, attempting to spot a couple last friends she can yell goodbye to and then arrives home cheerfully asking "Who can we invite over now!?" I, on the other hand am TOTALLY WIPED that I think I might die after having just spent a whole 9 minutes smiling and attempting small talk with acquaintances and fellow parents in the schoolyard (read: checking my phone and pretending to be, very, very busy). I mean, it's so exhausting. And she wants MORE PEOPLE? 

I love her so much but sometimes, she drains me dry. That feels so terrible to say. Which is why I have spent a lot of time feeling like a fairly horrible person for finding my child so thoroughly exhausting. But my aha moment last week is beginning to liberate me. Or at least help me understand the reasoning behind my feelings so I can move forward. I owe all the credit to the amazing book I just finished: For the Love by Jen Hatmaker. If you are breathing and are a female, GET IT. My dear friend gave it to me as a thank you gift for her baby shower (how cool is that - I got a gift for throwing a party!) and it. is. awesome. I finished it almost immediately and plan to start right back over at the beginning and read it again. It's the perfect read for us fear-filled, doubting, second-guessing women and mamas who need a heavy dose of GRACE to realize we really are doing ok.

Anyway, in one of the chapters, Jen talks about how incredibly helpful it can be to identify whether our children are introverts or extroverts so we can adjust our parenting. She, like me, is an introvert and so finds it rather easy to relate to her introverted kids. But she writes "I sometimes struggle parenting my extroverts, because their constant interaction and movement is so encompassing. We recharge differently - they need more of everything and I need less of everything. This personality gap can be so defeating, because I feel like not enough and make my kids feels like too much. When I lock down from NCF (Needy Child Fatigue), we all lose." She explains further that "No mother should cater to an extroverted kid 24/7, but no child should feel like a burden." Wow. HELLO! This hit home.

She talks about the need for us introverts to meet somewhere in the middle with our extroverts. "The sensory seekers can learn restraint, and the overstimulated mama can dig deeper." She writes "It also helped to explain my introverted side to the kids. Although my live-wire children don't share my non-talky book-reading needs, as with anything, they can better respect what they understand. It is good to say: This isn't anything you do wrong at all. It's just the way Mom fills back up." 

Gulp. I couldn't have said it better and I plan to have that last part tattooed across my forehead or at least written on the wall across her doorway. I want Isla (and any of my children with extroverted tendencies) to remember it isn't them when they see me walking backwards toward my bedroom haven with an overwhelmed-looking expression a book in hand. I have a steep learning curve ahead, figuring how to meet in the middle with my extrovert, but I'm SO GRATEFUL for this aha, life changing realization.

o

$$$$$$

I had great plans to write about something super cutesy and fun today like 6 and 4 year old birthday parties but instead I'm choosing to dive into that terrible, horrible topic that everyone hates: MONEY. Sorry y'all but I just have to. I understand if this is the last sentence of this post that you read.

Over the past couple weeks, we've been hit with large bill after large bill. Astronomical bills, actually. At first I sort of had the nervous, giggly Wow, when it rains it really pours sort of attitude. But now it's starting to get a little old. And I'm not sure when we will have a breather from this financial pressure that is weighing on me.

Yesterday I opened what I thought would be a pat-yourself-on-the-back sort of bill. If those sorts of bills exist. Let me explain. You all know about my new vegetable garden this year which I just adore. It has been life-giving to me and a dream come true on so many different levels. One new feature at our new house has been this little built-in sprinkler system that apparently takes a PhD to operate. I mean, the thing is possessed. During the warmer months, it would come on at random times, flood the yard and do all sorts of crazy tricks. No matter how hard I tried to reprogram the darn thing, it had a mind of its own and seemed absolutely set on keeping our yard as green as a golf course oasis in the middle of the Sahara. Well. I bet you can imagine where this is going. We got our first water bill in July. Imagine a really big number. And then double it. It really hurt. Graham wouldn't even let me tell him the final amount. But let's just say theoretically that I grew a 9 pound zucchini. If we crunched the numbers, that zucchini would have cost me approximately $46.88 per pound. Just to water it. Which is a real steal if you ask me. I mean, it's giant. It's organic. What more could one want? Well, it ate up a huge chunk of our paycheck. Lesson learned. My father-in-law had tried to warn me but those sprinklers were not to be contained.

After painfully paying bill #1, I set aside an entire evening to mastering my freaking sprinkler system. I had renewed motivation and a tangible reality check. I read the entire manual (which of course didn't come with the house and so I had to scour and find one online that seemed similar...) I changed a ton of settings. I stopped the darn thing from watering 7 of the 9 areas it had been watering previously. I figured out how to have it water those two areas (my veggie bed and the front lawn) only once daily versus twice. I shorted the length of time it watered. It took about a week of trial and error but eventually I got the settings to switch and stay switched! I was thrilled and went back to my routines, anticipating that the next bill would be the pat-yourself-on-the-back type, reflecting just how dramatic and cost-saving my sprinkler adjustments had been.

Yesterday the next water bill came. I was expecting good news so I tore open the envelope, almost with excitement which is so totally weird but we won't go there. But the contents left me speechless. The numbers in bold print before me were even worse than before. They literally rivaled what my ENTIRE paychecks used to be. I burst into tears. I couldn't handle it. I felt like a total and complete failure. I was growing vegetables and grass outside, not diamonds. Who did these crazy water district people think that they were!? The doler outers of some scarce commodity here in the PNW: water? Umm, I think not. Well, ok. it was a titch more scarce this summer. But it's not like we typically have a problem with a lack of moisture here in the greater Seattle area!!

So, I think it's safe to say that the sprinkler control center is officially UNPLUGGED from our wall in the garage. Unless that thing somehow magically acquires wireless powers (which actually wouldn't surprise me), it is off for the season and it is highly unlikely that it will ever be used again. Except maybe when we go on vacation. The rest of the time, I will water my garden myself, just enough to keep my edibles alive but the rest of the yard will probably go to pot. I'm sure the HOA will have a cow, but hey! At least my highly controversial veggie bed will be green. ;)

But this post is not about the HOA or even the garden really. It's more about my feelings of failure and my struggles with doubt. I'm sure everyone is now well aware that I very recently quit my job. It was a needed move, the right move. I know this deep down. But when I see the numbers in our bank account going down and FAST, I suddenly find myself hyperventilating. Or like yesterday. just plain crying. I feel incredibly responsible. I begged to be able to stay home with our kids. I was being stretched well beyond my capacity and my kids' capacity and our sitters' capacities. Sure, it felt good when people would ask how on earth I did it - work part time, keep up a home, have three kids, run, and for a few years there, co-coordinate a ministry for young moms at my church. Well, the truth of it is that I didn't really do it well. And it required me to go on medications. Depression, anxiety and fear ruled. I was falling apart and unhappy.

Now we are (approximately) 68 days into this new adventure of my being a full-time stay-at-home mom (with the exception of an occasional on-call shift here and there). And CRAP is it ever hard.  This year is ABSOLUTELY NUTS with the various schedules we are balancing - first grade, preschool, early release, a napping youngest, not to mention feeding and bathing and clothing the litter somewhere in there. My calendar, which used to have one to two things on it each day, now averages about five. Yeah, some of them are quick little check offs like "Wear PE shoes" for Isla, but still, it's a full time job to keep it all somewhat straight-ish. I needed to be home just to manage life. And as hard as it all is, man is it ever good. I feel like an incredible burden has lifted no longer having to to arrange babysitting for my work days. We were have been SO BLESSED to have grandparents take care of our kids but they've been doing this faithfully and regularly for 6 years and we felt we owed them a much-deserved break.

Now that Emma has started pre-K, and as long as Jack keeps napping, I have THREE AFTERNOONS every week to myself at home. The time goes by super fast but so far it has been glorious. These pockets of time are to me margins, margins that always should have been there but weren't. Sometimes I feel guilty about having them while at others, I am just plain giddy. Honestly, I don't know how I survived the past 6 mothering years without them. New mothers should be discharged from the hospital with an extra strength prescription for margins. Seriously! Because, without them, this job is a recipe for crazy-making 100% of the time.

Anyway, I'm really not sure how everything is going to work out. As I type this, our van is in the shop getting these necessary but painful things called tires. Yesterday, I submitted that tear-jerking payment for our water bill. And unfortunately just last week we'd finally taken a leap and ordered a couch for our previously empty living room. This of course was before we knew what other fun financial surprises this month would hold. First world problems, right?

After a good night's sleep and taking time to process all this in writing, I'm reminded that we made this commitment to my being home knowing it would require walking by FAITH. If I'm honest, I guess I expected something just a liiiiitle more secure. Which isn't really faith at all. We have savings. We certainly aren't destitute. Those savings had been set aside for things other than tires and water but, if that's what we have to use them for, so be it. I have seen God's hand at work in our lives in so many ways and I know His provision is faithful. It may not always look like the "provision" we anticipated but ultimately I believe it is for our betterment. I anticipate the season ahead to require a degree of sacrifice from us that we have probably not yet experienced. It will be hard but I'm also old enough now to recognize that good fruit comes from the hard. And when Christ is in it, it is amazing. We have felt God's leading in guiding our family through these big, life-changing decisions and though the exact details are still unknown, I'm comforted by the scripture in Hebrews 11:1 that reads: 

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

 Halfway through our trip, we stumbled upon a total gem of a beach called Indian Beach. I make it sound like it's this hidden, secret place but really it is a beach within Ecola State Park which is advertised with good signage throughout the town of Cannon Beach. With the iconic Haystack Rock, I guess I've never felt the need to venture very far from Cannon Beach itself. I guess we have our kids to thank for this discovery. We were a few days into the trip and I hit a wall and desperately needed some space. Graham graciously loaded up the kiddos and I strapped on my running shoes. We didn't really make exact plans but while I was out running, he sent me a text saying they were in the state park. I happened to be near the entrance so told him I would run in and meet him there. The tsunami evacuation route signs probably should have clued me in to the fact that this would not be a leisurely jog but in the end, it was awesome! Climbing hills = great views. And then great beaches too as we wound our way down to Indian Beach. Apparently it's a go-to spot for Oregon surfers but for us it provided a wonderfully calm and wind-free spot for two days of beach play.

The beach itself was beautiful and there was an awesome little shallow creek that provided a great spot for the kids (and Graham!) to have all sorts of fun. They worked really hard to build a dam on both days as we were surprised to find the dam they'd nearly finished on day one totally taken apart when we returned the following afternoon. (Oops. We probably messed with some more ecologically- focused types).

We ate in on the last night of our trip, making good use of the outdoor areas of our cottage. These next couple shots turned out a little blurry but I still just love them for the sibling love and joy they capture.

These two in particular are incredibly bonded.

One last family shot of all my favs - the kids ask regularly when we can go back. I just tell them to go ask their dad. :)

Jack 23 Months

Well hey there you cutie patootie.

Sometimes you're so adorable it's just ridiculous. 

I love how you recently discovered piggy back rights and now chase after me yelling "back!" to hitch a ride.

And how you always want to wear your sweatshirt zipped with the hood ON. No matter what.

Your favorite footwear is most definitely your rubber rain boots, rain or shine.

You are talking so much now but continue to use your words carefully and pretend you have no clue what we are saying.

And then after 22 months of trying to teach you to sign "all done," you wait until month 23 to finally do it. 

And you accompany it with it perfectly distinguishable verbal "all done."

You've been holding out on us, Kid.

Your joy is contagious and one of my favorite parts of the day is fetching from your crib in the morning. 

You usually hang onto the rail and jump vigorously, grinning from ear to ear.

Or you immediately hit the deck, pretending to be asleep so you can savor your beloved binky just a few minutes longer.

You finally accepted the fact that sand is your friend and now you love the beach.

You also really like planes, trains, trucks and buses and can name each fairly clearly.

One of your favorite pastimes is sitting in the car and secretly turning on all the overhead lights, the blinkers, emergency flashers and you also love honking the horn.

You are my fabulous sleeper, napping for usually 3-4 hours a day if allowed. 

You recently learned the power of screaming.

But we are trying to help you see it doesn't really get you as far as you'd think.

But man, can you ever bellow!

You are quite the little singer, with Happy Birthday and the ABCs being your favorites. 

I dunno if most kids hold tunes this early, but we as your parents are impressed.

You are becoming quite the busy boy and love to try all sorts of new crazy stunts to keep mama young.

You now know how to open the door from the house to the garage which means if the garage door is left open, we find you street-side!

You love putting things in the microwave and I often find really special warmed surprises.

You are my kitchen buddy and are constantly scooting the chairs around, moving area rugs and throwing the towels on the floor so you can have just the right access to whatever it is you have your mind set on - the mixer, the food processor, the sink or the cutting board...

If I am cooking, guaranteed, you are by my side.

I may have made a mistake in letting you have the ONE piece of gum you were begging for the other day.

Shortly after, this happened:

Oh and speaking of bubbles, we discovered you have another mad skill:

We love you Jack Attack! Thanks for making life the ever-exciting, joyful adventure that it is with you in tow. I just love having you as my son!

Ice cream adventures and Tillamook Cheese

 We spent the vast majority of our time in Oregon within a few miles of Cannon Beach itself but we did take one day trip up the coast to Tillamook, OR to the iconic cheese factory. 

The kids thought it was pretty neat to see how cheese was made. I didn't take many shots of the cheese factory itself but we did manage to capture some pictures of the most memorable part: the post-tour ice cream cones (Jack's first!) 

 This picture is blurry but his expression says it all: don't mess with a boy and his cone!