Today I wake and find myself brimming with emotions. I am reminded that it's Monday. Oh. No wonder. The links on the paper chain working it's way up the staircase look the same as they did yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. It appears stagnant in length though I'm sure it must be shrinking based on the torn links I find spread throughout the house. How can twenty-seven days feel like such an eternity? I am elated yet fearful, ready but nervous. In 27 days, an enormous milestone may finally be achieved. But there is also a chance that day could mark a moment of deep disappointment. I'm hopeful for the former, petrified for the latter. With each week that passes comes news of yet another reason graduation is on the chopping block. I have come to expect these notices now though the compilation of them all shakes me to the core. I don't know how much more I can take. I swear we are on their hit list. I have had my eyes fixed on the finish. Glued to it with a fierceness I cannot put into words. I need it be over. I need to move on. But there is this voice in the back of my head (the Holy Spirit maybe?) that gently reminds me the true finish may not be the finish I'm envisioning. The words (from Jesus Calling) in my quiet time this AM read "Do you trust Me to orchestrate your life events as I choose, or are you still trying to make things go according to your will? If you keep trying to carry out your intentions while I am leading you in another direction, you deify your desires." This makes me want to scream. I've done enough growing! I've been stretched enough! I didn't sign up for any more. I can't do it. Over the past couple weeks, so many of the conversations I've had and the things I've been reading seem to point me toward fostering a readiness for something other than what I have planned. I have run out of synonyms to describe how deeply this terrifies me. Yet through it all (even through gritted teeth!), I can feel a sense of peace forming, knowledge - no, faith, that whatever the outcome in twenty-seven days, we will be equipped and we will not be alone.
I fear that the events of this last year in particular will leave me marked by anger and bitterness. We have not been treated fairly, this much is sure. But I do not want to emerge from this experience, a tainted individual, marred by festering resentment. And so I embark on a new journey, a journey with gratitude as it's focus. I am determined, even on these days filled with darkness, loneliness, frustration and fear, to find the beauty and the blessings. To practice gratitude.
-A single red rose, presented after a long 12 hour shift to me, the mother of his children
-A page from the nursery, the knowledge that I am needed
-An opportunity to cuddle my youngest while she slept in my arms
-Drops of rain to wash away the sweat of an early morning run
-Thunder that brings me to snuggle up under a cozy blanket
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There is much, oh so much, to be thankful for and it is high time I put them to name.
