This year

I've been struggling to put words to these inner nudgings, these overwhelming feelings of gratitude and contentedness. My heart was filled to bursting these past couple weeks and, to my surprise, I think I can say with full confidence that this was the best Christmas yet. This is striking to me because it was the first Christmas we haven't had a tree. We didn't send out Christmas cards. We started a name draw system on both sides of our families which meant significantly less gifts. Oh and we were remodeling full time until the 11th hour on December 19th so we could move in to our partly-finished house on the morning of the 20th.

Though I don't care to repeat the utter exhaustion that was the first 19 days of December, I spent the last 11 reflecting and celebrating and giving thanks. There is something about this year that feels different. Maybe it is blatantly obvious to the rest of you but I'm still piecing it all together. It was incredibly freeing to be somewhat forced by the constraints of time to let go of all the trappings and distractions of the season and just be present. I am so very grateful that, this year, God chose to teach me and personalize the story of His coming in a new and very tangible way.

As I sit here greeting the early morning hours in my new house, I am humbled as I survey the open space. I have two dining tables. They are not fancy and in fact one of them hardly has a working chair but still there are two of them. TWO!! Plenty of space to feed hungry mouths. And each of my kids are fast asleep in their own cozy bed and still there is a bed that lies empty, ready for anyone who would like to stay over. These are the things I have dreamed about and long-prayed for.

I have wrestled intensely with the desire to host and practice hospitality as we grew from a couple to a family of 5 in the confines of our tight little condo. I tried not to let our walls stop us but oh how I inwardly kicked and screamed as our friends began to start families. I remember one evening in particular when we were hosting small group. Our table "for 8" was crammed with at least 10. I spread out a blanket on the sliver of kitchen floor that remained and propped up a TV tray in the entry way to create "picnic areas" for the kids since we were out of seating. There was literally not even a square foot of open tile left. It was not long after that our small group stopped meeting mostly due to sheer capacity, once 6 people, now 15 with kids in the course of 5 short years.

Our story never made sense to me. I longed to welcome others into our home and have them be comfortable. And for whatever reason, the journey getting here from house hunting and bidding to the excruciating process of closing has not been easy. But you guys, as I sit here in front of a cozy fire, I don't have the words to say adequate thanks to our village of people who have cheered for us and helped us along the way. So many people we know and even some we don't have helped us in the form of childcare, meals, nail-hammering, paint-rolling, conversation and encouragement, mattresses, door-making, moving and unpacking, floor-scrubbing and of course free housing (!!!!) If you are reading this right now, there is about a 98% probability that you are one of my "village" and this thanks goes out to YOU. I have learned a in a whole new way what it looks like to be the hands and feet of Christ this Christmas season and wow is it ever powerful. There are no words.

But in my feeble attempt to create words where there are none, I will say this: thank you for your part in teaching me something new about my God. For reasons I have yet to ponder, I have always viewed God through the lens of justice, a strict God ruling with an iron hand. I've known intellectually that He is also a God of incredible grace and love but subconsciously I believed He looked at the desires of my heart and intentionally did not grant them to me. I was undeserving (truth be told, we all are if not for Christ!) but myself in particular. There have been numerous hurtful experiences in the past decade that have felt like a direct hit to my soul, deepening this wildly inaccurate perception of God. But now I find myself in this amazing physical space, a gorgeous home, that is so much better than I could have ever imagined. And suddenly my misconceptions don't have a leg to stand on. This amazing community of people that has had my back and has been supporting and serving me has, through their actions, in turn gently been chipping away at this inaccurate view of God that has penetrated my being.

So, this year, this new year, I have a different kind of resolution. I long to get to know God for who He truly is, not who I make Him out to be in my twisted human mind. I long to know Him as the God of love and grace, and yes justice too, but mostly of incredible forgiveness and sacrifice for on my behalf. I have no idea how I am going to go about this other than to get in His word and spend more time with Him and allow Him reveal His character. I'm really excited. And scared too because I know growth usually involves stretching. But I am so grateful for what this Christmas season (and you all!) have taught me as the hands and feet of Jesus. Here's to an incredible year ahead!