Change a brewing

Morning World!

Just wanted to pop in over here to share a little bit of news with you. I am excited and nervous and totally and completely petrified to announce that I gave my notice at my (paid) job this past weekend! My last day in my position there will be on July 10th. I plan to remain on call and do occasional vacation coverage but for the most part, I'll be home.

This decision was NOT EASY for me but Graham and I have both finally reached a place where we know it's the right move fore our family. As the above picture illustrates, my arms are pretty full at home and I somehow needed to free up more time to be present with my kids and also remember who are am as a woman and what makes me tick. 

I was struck yesterday by how beautiful my life feels right now. You know how when you are in it, you can long for change but not ever recognize change has happened until it whacks you over the head years later? I'm experiencing that head whacking currently. I have gone through so many seasons where things have felt excruciatingly hard and unfair. Seasons of extreme loneliness, of depression, of total and complete exhaustion, just trying to hold it together. I've felt stagnant and stuck, wondering if I was growing in any capacity, debilitated at times by poor self esteem and a lack of confidence. But I've recently embarked on a new season, a season I hope I will lean into hard and celebrate richly. I find myself, surprisingly, on the "other side," realizing hey! Things have changed. I have grown! I longed for a family. Check. We prayed for a house for such a long time. And now check. (And it's beautiful!) I wanted a garden and a yard. And those things have finally happened. The sun is shining, dispersing the 6 year fog that seemed to surround and debilitate me inwardly as I took on the role of motherhood. I now can see that the Lord as been working and what He has been doing is very, very good.

It's fitting, I think, that last night marked my final event in our church's Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) groups. Nearly 6 years ago now, I joined MOPS as a bleary-eyed new mom. Isla was only 4 weeks old and I was on maternity leave and we didn't yet know if I would return to work so we were living off of a tight budget. Graham was working full time and had just begun grad school. I had no idea what I was doing and I remember vacillating over whether or not to join the program because the $125 registration fees nearly broke our bank. But I did it. I don't know WHAT anyone saw in me that crazy, hazy year that was my first year of motherhood. I felt like a total, hormonal mess. Maybe it was just the fact that I kept showing up. At at the year's end, I was approached and asked to lead a table of women at MOPS the following year. I did so and had a wonderful experience and then the next thing I knew, someone was asking me if I would consider joining the steering team and co-coordinating the entire MOPS program. I laugh now looking back as I literally recall asking the person "Is the co-coordinator role a big one?" Ha! 

I had NO idea what I was getting into but now looking back, I can confidently say it was one of the best things I ever did. To this day, I have no idea who recommended me for the role (if you are reading this right now, please out yourself - I'm dying to know!!!) But the takeaway for me has been that someone saw something in me. That is the most incredibly feeling. Ever. This spoke immeasurably to the insecure, depressed and lonely girl that I was.  

 My story illustrates how an invitation like this can be so powerfully impacting and shaping to who we become and what we choose to do in life. The three years I spent as co-coordinator were incredible. The role was challenging and time-consuming (to say the least!) but looking back, it grew me like a weed. Areas of my life that were once stagnant began to take new shape and forward-progress happened again. I was forced to get up on stage and talk in front of 70 people two times a month. WITH a microphone. I was petrified. My kids would tell you of the earfuls they got every week as my captive audience in the car as I practiced my announcements. Yes, internet, I practiced them. But I did it and now I can say the idea of being up in front of people doesn't really even phase me anymore. Well, depending on what I'm talking about. ;) 

I also made some of the most incredible friends while I was on steering. Someone once told me that it is in their thirties when women make their lasting, lifelong friendships. Hearing that in that in the season I was in at the time was just plain painful. I would have given anything for a good friend, let alone friendships plural! But I can truly say that I AM THIRTY AND I HAVE FRIENDS!!! And not just friends, but really, really good friends. Friends who I can be honest with and who ask me about the seemingly minute details of my life.

Now it's time to open a new chapter. It's time to be home more with my kiddos, to scale back elsewhere so I can pour into them wholeheartedly. I've stepped down from my MOPS commitments. Phase one of our home remodel is complete. I've been go-go-going for years like a crazy lady and I'm ready to inhale for a season and take a moment to ponder and pray about what's next. The Lord has been at work, nudging me in new directions, pushing me to step out in faith. It was Thursday evening last week when Graham and I made the final decision that I would be putting in my notice. In his wise way, he reminded me that sometimes we have to take that first scary step and allow God to provide for us. Things are going to be tight financially but I have a strange sense of both peace and terror.

Recently, I have had the opportunity to speak a handful of times in various settings on nutrition and feeding kids. I was a bit startled to discover that speaking is actually something I've come to enjoy (thanks MOPS for sort of forcing me to this realization!) I also totally adore writing and blogging about feeding kids on my food blog. Have I mentioned I have the most amazing husband? He not only is giving me the go ahead to quit my job but has also arranged for me to take Friday mornings to myself to explore this passion.

So, here's to new adventures and stepping out in faith! For now, I am going to focus on being home and being present. I am going to spend a season leaning into my passions and doing things that I love and not feel guilty about it. It's almost as if I can hear God whispering This is your act of bravery right now. Trust me. I don't know what this will mean long term but I feel so blessed to be on this journey and wild times are just around the corner, I'm sure.