Minor career "crisis"

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week....

This post is going to be my first attempt at exploring these thoughts, a means to ponder and process all that is running through my head and heart. It might end up looking more like verbal vomit (an awful mental picture I know, but a term I coined to describe the spew of words that sometimes flies from my mouth as I think and process aloud or in this case, in writing). Please bear with me. 

First and foremost, my primary job is being a parent. I've always believed that and don't ever want to lose sight of it. As a middle schooler, I dreamed of being a stay at home mom or a pastor's wife, occasionally a hairdresser  or a receptionist. I wanted to grow up, get married to the man of my dreams (done and done!), have kids (done and done and in progress!), and then stay at home with my kids 100% of the time. Or so I thought. This last one has been a point of conflict for me at times - the usual guilt that comes with leaving your kids and going to work I think. As it turns out, going back to work the very part time amount that I have has been a total gift for me though I haven't always thought so. This season of our lives has been insane (to put it lightly) and going to work has provided a needed "break" and change of pace and mental stimulation. I know people debate endlessly about this topic to stay or home or not to stay at home and ultimately, everyone needs to make their own decision and do what works for them. We are all wired very differently and I think it's important that we remember that. This is what works for our family right now and I'm grateful.

Secondly, I am really glad that I majored in nutrition. It is a topic that I am passionate about, a field of study that matters (or at least should matter) to everyone. It is so applicable and useful on a daily basis and I love how I can impart little tidbits of knowledge to my family. I have always thought I would work in a job that combined my love of food and cooking with my passion for health and I may someday do just that. Maybe this will be an area that I find energy to explore in the years to come or maybe not.

Over the course of the last 7 years (going on 8!) as a dietitian in a neonatal intensive care unit, I've had these little twinges. My role there matters and I don't think anyone would ever argue that fact. Without nutrition, these tiny premature babies or septic term infants would not grow and heal and ultimately get well and go home. But my job is indirect, more advisory in nature and I often find myself longing to get my hands in there and get messy, to have more one-on-one interaction with the patients, to be a part of the intense, think-fast-on-your-feet situations (here's where the twinges come in). When selecting colleges to apply to, I chose only those options that had both a nursing and nutrition program because, at the time, I was still undecided on my major. A couple negative experiences with blood later and -BOOM- decision made: nutrition it would be! 

But then there are these twinges, these moments where quite honestly, part of me wishes I were one of the doctors or neonatal nurse practitioners or maybe even a nurse. I have learned an incredible amount about the anatomy and physiology of newborn babies, about the birth process, about the numerous risk and complications that come along with it just by working in the environment that I'm in. Most of the time, these twinges are passing and I remind myself how nice it is to be able to truly "leave work at work," to have set hours and lunch breaks and not a lot of stress. But the twinges always return and there are direct triggers that cause them to resurface. Having our sweet Emma hospitalized as a sick 5 day old (pictured above) was one such trigger. Being on the "other side" of the hospital experience was humbling and I felt the urge to play a bigger role in direct patient care at that time.

The grand majority of the cases we work with in our unit have what most would consider "happy endings" but there are the occasional sad cases that make you stop in your tracks and question what you are doing with your life. These latter cases are the ones I've been pondering lately and they are the primarily reason for all of this thinking. When these tough cases come and the end is near, I have found myself wanting to be in the room with the family as their baby takes it's last breath, to be there to comfort and to cry. I don't know if a lot of people wake up in the morning wishing they could walk alongside parents as they lose a child. But I do. And I have to believe that desire is God-given so I'm trying to remain open and giving myself space to explore it. 

So this is where I'm at. I'm realistic in recognizing that the chance of burn out from the emotional burden of a career like this is incredibly high. In fact, it may just be too much for a feeling person like me. The thought of going back to school at this moment is absolutely the LAST thing I want to do right now. We need to spend a season as a "normal" family and experience what it feels like to function together without a the pursuit of a higher degree in the picture (64 more days people!) But as Graham told me last night, he doesn't want me looking back on my life when I'm 50 and regretting where I am at. He's always told me I should be the one in school anyways. So who knows? This may just be another one of those passing twinges. It might be a grass-is-always-greener sort of situation. Or it may be the work of God, tugging at my heart strings and urging me to make a move. If it's the latter, I don't want to ignore it. And so that's why I'm pondering. I don't plan to make any drastic changes in the near future but this is something I will be praying about. So there you have it - do with it what you will!