Respite

As I type this, I'm sitting outside on the patio overlooking the pool. The the sun is just beginning to disappear behind the stucco walls of the resort and it's quite balmy out, really. Graham and I have escaped to Phoenix together for some much needed respite and sunshine.

The destination was a bit random - we had airline miles burning holes in our pockets but they were proving themselves quite useless. We'd had them in our possession for three years, but each time we tried to use them, we were met with a blaring error message "there are no flights available to your desired destination." We were beginning to believe every location on every day of the calendar year was a "black out date" for this particular airline. Finally, we got smart. We picked our dates and then literally plugged in every sunny location we could think of. After failed attempt after failed attempt, suddenly Graham exclaimed "It worked! I'm booking it!" We had not yet arranged babysitting but we knew if we walked away from the computer screen for even 3 seconds, the flight match would magically evaporate. So he booked it! And here were are in Phoenix, a mere $22 later (plus the airline miles of course).

The weeks leading up to this trip were horrendous. Aren't they always? If my prior three posts on each of our lovely trio of children didn't enlighten you, let me summarize in brief: THEY HAVE BEEN CHALLENGING! Illness deserves the majority of the blame but free will and stubbornness claim the remainder. Admittedly, Graham and I more or less ran away from the minivan containing our beloveds when it circled the departure area of Seatac. We needed a break and quite honestly, we were pretty sure our kids needed a break from us too. We boarded the plane in hopes that the trip would serve as some sort of a "reset" button for all parties involved.

Both of us had some personal things we needed to work through and the two of us were crying before the plane touched down in Arizona. I pondered this phenomena - the whole-both-of-us-crying-on-the-plane thing. It isn't the first time. In fact, I think we are beginning to make a tradition of it on our kid-less travels, if my memory serves me well. My gut response was something like WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH US but was replaced only moments later by an intense gratitude for the depth that I share with the man I married. We need these times together. Every healthy marriage does. It is during these moments when the distractions (i.e. kids, a remodel, gray weather and work in our case) are stripped away that we begin to peel back the layers and expose the deepest parts of our souls. We reveal hurts and experiences that cut us to the core, big hopes, risks we long to take that feel insurmountable, aspirations. These moments are as lovely as they are hard and each time they occur, I am thankful. 

I wrote, back in January, about my New Year's Resolution of sorts for 2015. Here we are, about to put the cap on April and I question whether I have made any progress in my quest to get to know God for who He really is, a God of love and grace. Per a friend's recommendation, I am studying the book of John as he has been referred to as "the disciple Jesus loved." What better teacher on love than one who claims to have been loved by the Father, right? Before you mentally affix a "super spiritual" stamp across my forehead, let me better define what I mean by the word "study." I mean that I started reading the book of John back in February AND ONLY YESTERDAY CRACKED THE PAGES OF CHAPTER 5. Sooo, yeah, Hold that word "study" very loosely. Even despite my failings at regular Bible reading, I am realizing that my lens on the world is shifting. I am beginning to see more clearly all the ways my misconceptions of God as an iron-hand ruler have permeated my life. Most notably, my twisted viewpoint has misconstrued the way I think God sees me and, in turn, the way I see myself. This faulty outlook impacted the way I approach life, my marriage, and for absolute certain, my parenting. 

Thanks to the recommendation of another friend, we are BOTH (insert happy dance here) reading an amazing book called Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk. How this is the first time I have ever heard of the book, I do not know but it has been the perfect read for us! When we left, we were in the thick of it with our kids for sure. This book introduces a total paradigm shift for both of us that couldn't go more hand in hand with my desire to get to know my God as a God of grace. I am absolutely petrified to return home to chaos but am so very, very thankful for a week of quiet, reflection and respite.