On Being Spirited

This post goes out to all my fellow Mama Bears!

I've been introduced to some new parenting verbage this week. The term is "spirited" and I think it will henceforth be making regular appearances in our conversations around here. I know I've been focusing a lot of my eldest on the blog as of late and I'm not sure which is most true in our situation - that the squeakiest wheel gets the grease or that, just as a wise soul once told me, you spend the majority of your parental "worry allotment" on your firstborn. Whichever the case, the pile of books on my bedside table right now are all dedicated to this one. Oy vey.

I love this girl with all my heart AND it just so happens that the last couple weeks with her have been particularly challenging. She is an amazing, intelligent, sensitive, strong and caring person and I love her fiercely. She is a lot like her mama which means there is a good chance she is going to find herself hurt and misunderstood more times than I'd care to admit OR just end up driving those around her batty. Now more than ever, I've felt my Mama Bear urges bubbling, pushing me to figure out more deeply what makes this girl tick, what makes her thrive, and how I can best help her put her strengths to their best use. 

So enter this new-to-me term "spirited." According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the book Raising Your Spirited Child, which I read in it's entirety in ONE WEEKS TIME (and I wasn't even on vacation!!!!), a spirited child is essentially a child who is more. She writes "They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children." This, I'm realizing, is a strikingly accurate description of my eldest. Now that I mention it, my parents are probably sitting on the edge of their seats right now as they read this, experiencing that odd sensation of deja vu. I'm pretty sure they would be the first to tell you that this "spirited" thing sounds like an all too familiar depiction of their second born (yours truly). I guess as the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The funny thing about all this is that it comes as somewhat of a surprise to me. Why, I'm not quite sure. My parents can credit me would 75% of the book titles on their parenting book shelves, I'm sure. That's right folks, The Strong-Willed Child title on their nightstand was not for my sister. My husband would even tell you that, when he asked for my hand in marriage, my dad made sure he fully knew what he was signing up and that he was truly up for the challenge. My father shared stories from my childhood, highlighting my nature and strong tendencies such as how I used to go on hikes with both of my arms outstretched, blocking any others from passing and ensuring I would "win" and make it to our destination first. If that's not spirit, I'm not sure what is. Thankfully, I'd already aired my cards in our dating relationship and these stories did not cause my to-be husband to run.

So you would think I'd know, being a spirited myself, how to handle my own spirited child. Nope. Not to say the least. In some cases, I think it causes us to be even more abrasive with one another, fighting intensely, both in seek of control. This book was really good for me and my parenting but, as leafed through it, I found myself laughing aloud at times, all the while, thinking there were a lot of great suggestions in there that Graham could try out on me...like put in me in a soothing bath when I'm flipping out for instance. :)

But in all seriousness, this "spirit" can be oh so very frustrating and even anger-inducing at times for parents (and I'm sure for spouses too - ha). But, the take-home message for me that I've been contemplating this week is that spirited kids are some of the most amazing and passionate of souls who need to be shepherded especially well in their childhood years, as they learn about the world around them and how they fit in. The collective "we" can be so quick to label these precious kiddos as loud or bossy or argumentative or easily frustrated. These labels are so damaging and I loved how the book encourages readers to reframe these titles into positives: instead of loud, tell your child they are zestful and enthusiastic. Instead of argumentative, replace it with opinionated and strongly committed to ones goals. Similarly, stubborn turns into assertive and willing to persist in the face of difficulty and whiny becomes analytical. These kids need to know their gifts. Trust me. And they need help maneuvering their big emotions and may require a little (ok a LOT of) patience in the process. (Hello personal pep talk...)

I just loved this this quote at the end of the book and I found myself choking back tears as I read:

"Love your spirited child for who she is. Let her make you laugh. Let her share with you how she sees, hears, and experiences the things around her. Allow her to enrich your life. Because she is more, she will make you more. Spirited kids are like roses in my garden. They need more attention. Throw a little water on the other flowers and they grow. Not the rose, it needs special treatment. It has to be pruned and guided in its growth. Other flowers can be plucked, pulled and mauled by a preschooler and still last for weeks on your dining room table. If you treat a rose roughly it will wilt in your hands or stab you, make you bleed."

Wow. So with that, good luck to you fellow mamas of spirited kids! Hang in there! Your kids are born with great gifts and are deeply loved and valued by God. I'm scared to death every day that I'm going to screw mine up but let's keep plugging. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. 

Happy Birthday, Baby Jack

To my darling Jack,

I know you really aren't a baby anymore, but I'll never accept it. I captured this shot of you this morning, gazing up at your birthday balloon. I promise I'll buy you a balloon every year of your life if it makes you this happy. I adore you, child. Our bond is something else.

God sure knew what He was doing when he gave you to our family. Yes of course Daddy secretly hoped for another man to join his clan, but, oh my, mommy was the one who was really in for a treat. I don't know what you've done to me kid, but you've got me wrapped around your little finger for sure. I never knew how much I needed a son until I met you! The past few years have been rough on me but you've been my buddy keeping me company though it all. I can't quite put it to words but you came at the tail end of a hard season for our family and you have been like our beam of sunshine. It seems whenever I feel the clouds of life setting in, I'll find you walking at my side and asking for my hand or running over for a snuggle. It's simply the best. I've said it before but I will say it again: I would change your middle name to something that means Joy if I could.

You are getting so big and adventurous! Not a day goes by that I don't have to change your socks because you've escaped shoe-less outside into our swamp of a yard. I love our neighbors because so far, they've always returned you to us. You are always pushing chairs around the house to get access to thing just a smidge higher like the microwave or the kitchen drawers. You love babies and push toys and buses and boots and the color blue and trains and trucks and planes and your binky and all of your family but particularly your grandpas. You play very well on your own but if things get too quiet, I can pretty much guarantee I will find you upstairs with a binky in your mouth and your crib pushed across the room so you could retrieve it.

You are our cheerful little charmer for sure. You wake up singing in the morning and then you WANT to go down for your nap in the afternoon. I mean, what more could we ask for, really? You've entered this new phase where you answer "Mmm-kay" whenever we ask you to do something or summarize how something is going to go down. It melts me every time. I love watching you in the midst of other kids. If they are screaming, so are you. If they are laughing, you are too. Typically you have no idea what is going on but it's never stopped you. You can run and scream with the best of 'em.

Today, on your 2nd birthday, I want you to know how incredibly loved that you are. I pray that you would grow to know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior and that you would serve Him always. I pray that you would continue to bring joy to many just by being you and that you would grow up to serve your family well. You are such a gift to us and we love you so much!

Happy Birthday Jack Attack!

Love,
Mom

Isla, the Extrovert

I had the most amazing aha moment last week. Any of you who know my sweet Isla Pie are probably going to totally laugh at me. My husband sure did. He couldn't believe it took me this long to realize that MY ELDEST IS AN EXTROVERT. Say WHAT?!? I know. Mind. Blown. 

No seriously. I had like no idea. Maybe I just thought is was too early to make the call. Or maybe it was that she and I are similar in so many ways that it never crossed my mind that we could have this vastly opposite personality trait. But when it finally dawned on me, it made so much sense. I was almost giddy with relief as the pieces clicked together in my head. Thoughts like OH MY GOSH I GET IT NOW run through mind every 3 seconds or so since this life-altering revelation.

I adore this child. Like really adore her. She's the sweetest and most thoughtful human who has ever walked the planet. You have Christmas wishes? Send her your list. She will do everything in her power to gather her pennies to buy every last item you requested. She is always wanting to sell things. Anybody's things, just to make a dime. And you can bet your bottom dollar she'll drag me curbside along with her to sell her wares. The other day she said told me she wanted to be a runner. Feeling a great sense of pride in passing on such a lovely and healthy aspiration along to my child, I told her that was a great idea. Then she proceeded to ask me how she could earn money by running. Ha. 

Anyway, she's amazing is so many ways and definitely the kind of friend you dream of your kid having. She started 1st grade this year which means full days every day all year long. I was bracing myself for the post-school, I've-been-around-too-many-people-all-day overstimulated meltdowns. To my surprise though, she typically bolts from her classroom, attempting to spot a couple last friends she can yell goodbye to and then arrives home cheerfully asking "Who can we invite over now!?" I, on the other hand am TOTALLY WIPED that I think I might die after having just spent a whole 9 minutes smiling and attempting small talk with acquaintances and fellow parents in the schoolyard (read: checking my phone and pretending to be, very, very busy). I mean, it's so exhausting. And she wants MORE PEOPLE? 

I love her so much but sometimes, she drains me dry. That feels so terrible to say. Which is why I have spent a lot of time feeling like a fairly horrible person for finding my child so thoroughly exhausting. But my aha moment last week is beginning to liberate me. Or at least help me understand the reasoning behind my feelings so I can move forward. I owe all the credit to the amazing book I just finished: For the Love by Jen Hatmaker. If you are breathing and are a female, GET IT. My dear friend gave it to me as a thank you gift for her baby shower (how cool is that - I got a gift for throwing a party!) and it. is. awesome. I finished it almost immediately and plan to start right back over at the beginning and read it again. It's the perfect read for us fear-filled, doubting, second-guessing women and mamas who need a heavy dose of GRACE to realize we really are doing ok.

Anyway, in one of the chapters, Jen talks about how incredibly helpful it can be to identify whether our children are introverts or extroverts so we can adjust our parenting. She, like me, is an introvert and so finds it rather easy to relate to her introverted kids. But she writes "I sometimes struggle parenting my extroverts, because their constant interaction and movement is so encompassing. We recharge differently - they need more of everything and I need less of everything. This personality gap can be so defeating, because I feel like not enough and make my kids feels like too much. When I lock down from NCF (Needy Child Fatigue), we all lose." She explains further that "No mother should cater to an extroverted kid 24/7, but no child should feel like a burden." Wow. HELLO! This hit home.

She talks about the need for us introverts to meet somewhere in the middle with our extroverts. "The sensory seekers can learn restraint, and the overstimulated mama can dig deeper." She writes "It also helped to explain my introverted side to the kids. Although my live-wire children don't share my non-talky book-reading needs, as with anything, they can better respect what they understand. It is good to say: This isn't anything you do wrong at all. It's just the way Mom fills back up." 

Gulp. I couldn't have said it better and I plan to have that last part tattooed across my forehead or at least written on the wall across her doorway. I want Isla (and any of my children with extroverted tendencies) to remember it isn't them when they see me walking backwards toward my bedroom haven with an overwhelmed-looking expression a book in hand. I have a steep learning curve ahead, figuring how to meet in the middle with my extrovert, but I'm SO GRATEFUL for this aha, life changing realization.

o