On Being Spirited

This post goes out to all my fellow Mama Bears!

I've been introduced to some new parenting verbage this week. The term is "spirited" and I think it will henceforth be making regular appearances in our conversations around here. I know I've been focusing a lot of my eldest on the blog as of late and I'm not sure which is most true in our situation - that the squeakiest wheel gets the grease or that, just as a wise soul once told me, you spend the majority of your parental "worry allotment" on your firstborn. Whichever the case, the pile of books on my bedside table right now are all dedicated to this one. Oy vey.

I love this girl with all my heart AND it just so happens that the last couple weeks with her have been particularly challenging. She is an amazing, intelligent, sensitive, strong and caring person and I love her fiercely. She is a lot like her mama which means there is a good chance she is going to find herself hurt and misunderstood more times than I'd care to admit OR just end up driving those around her batty. Now more than ever, I've felt my Mama Bear urges bubbling, pushing me to figure out more deeply what makes this girl tick, what makes her thrive, and how I can best help her put her strengths to their best use. 

So enter this new-to-me term "spirited." According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the book Raising Your Spirited Child, which I read in it's entirety in ONE WEEKS TIME (and I wasn't even on vacation!!!!), a spirited child is essentially a child who is more. She writes "They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive, and uncomfortable with change than other children." This, I'm realizing, is a strikingly accurate description of my eldest. Now that I mention it, my parents are probably sitting on the edge of their seats right now as they read this, experiencing that odd sensation of deja vu. I'm pretty sure they would be the first to tell you that this "spirited" thing sounds like an all too familiar depiction of their second born (yours truly). I guess as the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

The funny thing about all this is that it comes as somewhat of a surprise to me. Why, I'm not quite sure. My parents can credit me would 75% of the book titles on their parenting book shelves, I'm sure. That's right folks, The Strong-Willed Child title on their nightstand was not for my sister. My husband would even tell you that, when he asked for my hand in marriage, my dad made sure he fully knew what he was signing up and that he was truly up for the challenge. My father shared stories from my childhood, highlighting my nature and strong tendencies such as how I used to go on hikes with both of my arms outstretched, blocking any others from passing and ensuring I would "win" and make it to our destination first. If that's not spirit, I'm not sure what is. Thankfully, I'd already aired my cards in our dating relationship and these stories did not cause my to-be husband to run.

So you would think I'd know, being a spirited myself, how to handle my own spirited child. Nope. Not to say the least. In some cases, I think it causes us to be even more abrasive with one another, fighting intensely, both in seek of control. This book was really good for me and my parenting but, as leafed through it, I found myself laughing aloud at times, all the while, thinking there were a lot of great suggestions in there that Graham could try out on me...like put in me in a soothing bath when I'm flipping out for instance. :)

But in all seriousness, this "spirit" can be oh so very frustrating and even anger-inducing at times for parents (and I'm sure for spouses too - ha). But, the take-home message for me that I've been contemplating this week is that spirited kids are some of the most amazing and passionate of souls who need to be shepherded especially well in their childhood years, as they learn about the world around them and how they fit in. The collective "we" can be so quick to label these precious kiddos as loud or bossy or argumentative or easily frustrated. These labels are so damaging and I loved how the book encourages readers to reframe these titles into positives: instead of loud, tell your child they are zestful and enthusiastic. Instead of argumentative, replace it with opinionated and strongly committed to ones goals. Similarly, stubborn turns into assertive and willing to persist in the face of difficulty and whiny becomes analytical. These kids need to know their gifts. Trust me. And they need help maneuvering their big emotions and may require a little (ok a LOT of) patience in the process. (Hello personal pep talk...)

I just loved this this quote at the end of the book and I found myself choking back tears as I read:

"Love your spirited child for who she is. Let her make you laugh. Let her share with you how she sees, hears, and experiences the things around her. Allow her to enrich your life. Because she is more, she will make you more. Spirited kids are like roses in my garden. They need more attention. Throw a little water on the other flowers and they grow. Not the rose, it needs special treatment. It has to be pruned and guided in its growth. Other flowers can be plucked, pulled and mauled by a preschooler and still last for weeks on your dining room table. If you treat a rose roughly it will wilt in your hands or stab you, make you bleed."

Wow. So with that, good luck to you fellow mamas of spirited kids! Hang in there! Your kids are born with great gifts and are deeply loved and valued by God. I'm scared to death every day that I'm going to screw mine up but let's keep plugging. You are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for.