I know it's not what the cool kids are doing but I'm a big resolver and I sort of love New Year's resolutions. Over the past few New Year's Eves, as we've closed down one set of 365 and welcomed a new one, I've asked my compatriots if they have made any resolutions. No has been the consistent response because, well, I hang with the cool kids. Admittedly, this phases me briefly, as I'm never one to totally enjoy bucking the trend and going against the flow (the trend here being not setting resolutions) but then I dig deep and carry on with my decision to resolve.
I'm a black and white girl and so the idea of a clean slate appeals to my soul. I'm also very, very goal-oriented and setting resolutions helps me stay on track. To be honest, I don't yet know exactly what my resolutions will be for this year, except of course that I plan to make some. I'm hoping they will flesh out and make themselves known as I sit here and think on the year.
A lot has happened in 2015 and I can't help but think about the resolution I made and wrote about here. I resolved to deepen my relationship with Christ, to pursue Him and get to know Him as a God of love and grace, as a God who loves and accepts every ounce of me. I had no idea if and how this resolution would come to fruition but it seemed like a good goal. In January, I went to get my hair cut and I told my hairdresser about the resolution. She challenged me read the book of John, as John was always referred to as "the one Jesus loved." How better to learn of God's love than to hear it straight from the source of one who is loved by God? I thought. I accepted her proposal and began slowly working my way through the gospel. I read small chunks of verses at a time but then grew inconsistent and over the 11 months that followed, I only made it to chapter 8.
I thought about my resolution periodically throughout the year. Was I making any progress? How could I be if I wasn't doing my "assigned" reading. Guilt would bubble up and I would feel disappointed in myself. How was I ever supposed to grow if I wasn't follow my own self-inflicted formula? I love it how God, in moments like these, can take our best-laid plans (no matter how noble they may sound) and dump them on their faces, which is exactly what ended up happening. Not in an I'll show you sort of way but more of a Are you willing to be open and let me take the lead here sort of way.
He waited until nearly the very end of the year to show up. I was fighting feelings of disappointment. Wasn't this a resolution worth granting? In my head, I couldn't fathom how God could hear my plea to know His love more deeply and NOT grant it. But the truth, as I know it now, was of course that He DID want me to know Him as a God of profound love and incomprehensible grace. But it wouldn't happen as the result of anything I did, no 10 easy steps to knowing God. I'm a logical thinker but our God in one who defies all logic.
I was sitting in church and, though I can't recall the exact passage our pastor was preaching from, I think it was from Ecclesiastes. All I know is that he was sharing about 3 gifts from God, three gifts that He longs to lavish upon us. I can't even name the gifts now because I was so caught off guard in the moment. All I know is that they were lovely, and amazing and things I usually view myself as unworthy of. Suddenly something clicked and I saw my God in a new way, full of immense and unfailing love and it totally undid me. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't get up on my feet when it came time for the congregation to stand and worship together at the close of the service. Afterward, I felt an undeniable urge to walk up to the front of the church and talk to my pastor. This isn't something I typically do. Ever. It isn't that the guy is unapproachable at all. It's more that I view post-sermon conversations to be for the super spiritual types which is not a category I would put myself in. But in that moment, no was not an option and I felt so compelled to go forward, dragging my husband along with. Through teary eyes, I told him THANK YOU for helping me see God through a different lens, that I'd been deeply impacted that morning.
I didn't come to church that Sunday expecting what had happened. And then God showed up. In His timing. In His way. Lesson learned. And now my faith is all the better for it.
Well. That wasn't at all where I expected to go with this post but there it is. Over the past year, I've done a lot of growing. I feel that, by the grace of God, I know myself better today than I ever have before and I hope to live into that better in the year to come. I've identified some innate needs and, maybe more newsworthy than that, I've actually accepted theses needs as valid and even beneficial for my functioning. I'm hearing the voice of my loving God telling me It's how I made you. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Still, every time I do something "for me," I have to wack away an entire army of voices proclaiming guilt and my undeservedness of good. But slowly, one by one, this army is shrinking. The root of this guilt, of course, stems from one of my biggest fears - that I would somehow be viewed as a selfish, self-serving, and/or high maintenance. The meeting of my needs can sometimes feel so indulgent because it is typically comprised of time alone, time spent writing, reading, and running to name a few. BUT again I am reminded of God's unfailing love which does sometimes means really, really good things for me. I'm no proponent of prosperity gospel but I do believe now that God does desire to lavish us with good gifts.
So this year, I am committing to doing the things that I've discovered to be life-giving for me. I've done a lot of surviving and this year I would really, really like to thrive. So, without further adieu, this year, I commit:
1. To write - I love writing more and more with each passing day. It is one of the most life-giving activities out there for me right now. I have some ideas, some big dreams and a few personal goals of course but mostly I commit to continue forging ahead. To share my heart. I have no idea what lies ahead but I feel a very clear urging to keep at it and have faith. It's a bit like I'm walking into a fog without a whole lot of direction, but yet I can say confidently that this fog is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I don't think I'm quite to a place where I can commit to writing every day but I would like to put my fingers to the keys on a more consistent basis. I'm anticipating a few changes to my blog in 2016 that I'm excited about! To my cheerleaders out there (you know who you are), THANK YOU for encouraging me to keep putting out words. I have lots of them.
2. To read - I guess it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to me that I love reading. Writers usually do. But I've felt an insatiable appetite for books lately and I plan to plow my way through as many books as I can this year. For starters, I will try to read 1 book every month and I will find time to do so by reading at night instead of surfing who knows what on my phone.
3. To run - a full marathon!!! Back in college, I dated a guy. I was a nutrition student and therefore "supposed" to be about all things health and fitness. I decided that I'd better take up running which of course led me trying to impress said boyfriend by opening up my big fat mouth and stating what I thought was a simple runner's goal - I'd run a marathon. He seemed mildly impressed. Never having run a day before in my entire life, I slipped on my shoes and jogged down to the canal that borders Fremont in Seattle, near my college campus. I made it, heaving and gasping, to the blue bridge and back, totaling a whopping 1 mile. Maybe it was even 1.3. I immediate canned that idea as my stupidest ever, gave up running for the rest of my college career and never thought much about the marathon thing again....until last year. I never would have predicted it back then, but now I am a 100%, full-fledged and addicted runner girl who is currently registered for her first full marathon in May!!! If you happen to be in Vancouver BC around the first of the month, give me a buzz! I could use some well-positioned cheerleaders. In the meantime, you can find me and my amazing running buddy Olona, adorned in headlamps and mittens, running at the crack of dawn in below freezing temperatures 3 times a week. WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!!
4. To create - This is probably my most recently-identified need: to create beauty. I never would have thought of this being one of my "things" (mostly because I usually feel so out of style!!) but as I think back on the past year, it's very easy to identify that this is something that feeds me. I have a list, pages in length, filled with projects, both completed and ones I'm dreaming of completing. All of them have to do with creating beauty in my home, ranging from the taking and hanging of photographs, arranging and organization of the office, the moving bristles of a paint brush, the running of fabric through a sewing machine, the planting of seeds or bulbs in soil, or the artful presentation of food and recipes. I never would have called it but, I'll be darned, I guess I am pretty creative! This year I'm going to do some of the things I've been dreaming about and enjoy making my house a home!
As a depression-sufferer, I know in my heart that I have to fight HARD to do things that are life-giving. I am praying over the year - that whatever my hands find to do, that I would do it with all of my might. I would love for these resolutions to be in "the plan" for me in 2016 but I am also praying that my hands would be open and that God would bring to light HIS plans for my year.
What are YOU resolving to do in 2016?
No comments:
Post a Comment