Processing

It's been a bit of a hard week emotionally for me so bear with me here. I am in need of a space to process. The contents of this post are fresh and therefore mixed with lots of emotion. But I want them documented so consider yourself warned.

A week ago Monday, I took Emma to her second appointment at Children's Hospital to see her cranial/facial doctor and plastic surgeon. I've found it to be unsettling or humbling or heartbreaking or maybe all of the above to go there. I've been there to interview. I have many contacts there, fellow dietitians, doctors and nurse practitioners and we transfer babies there quite frequently. But this week, I was there as the mother of a patient. Yet again, I find myself "getting" to experience medicine from "the other side" with my sweet Emma.

As I glanced around the waiting room at the patients and families around me, I was reminded how blessed we are that our reason for visiting is so minor in the grand scheme of things. But, it doesn't make it any easier and so I'm not going to fib and pretend to be unaffected. Our life with Emma began in whirlwind fashion with her early illness and hospitalization (totally unrelated to the reason we are visiting Children's now, by the way). And life has continued at a steady clip (as it does with multiple young children) and so in many ways, I feel like I haven't yet had time to process this whole nose thing.

To be honest, I have no idea how many of you actually know about Emma's "nose thing." Maybe it's obvious to the general public and maybe it's not. And I'm not sure if I want to know the truthful answer to that for fear it might hurt too much. Emma has what is known in the medical community as a cleft nose. We've been told it's extremely rare and that, thankfully, hers is a very mild form of it. The cleft is in her right nare and occurred very early on, ~35-55 days gestation, when she was smaller than the white of my fingernail. In addition to the misshapen nare, she also has a skin tag of extra tissue right on the inside of her nose. It is all a blur but our nurse in the delivery room after she was born noticed it right away and announced "She has a slight cleft nose!" The doctor was busy stitching me up while the rest of the medical team surrounded Emma on the warmer when it was first spotted. All I recall is that I distinctly remember Graham asking if we could please call it something else because the term "cleft" brought to mind too many pictures of severe malformations.

And so here we are, almost 9 months later. I notice her nose every single day. Sometimes it doesn't affect me much and then there are days like today where I am holding her in front of the mirror and I begin to cry. I am so fiercely, desperately, protective of her. I know how hard it is to develop a healthy sense of self-worth and esteem as it is in our culture. Then add something like this to the picture and I just don't know how it works. I want so badly for her to grow up completely secure, knowing that she is loved, adored and fearfully, wonderfully and beautifully made. By the grace of God, this will happen. But I confess it sounds a bit daunting.

I was reminded today at MOPS that I am uniquely chosen to be the mother of my children. This comforts me beyond measure. I am chosen to be the one to raise them and nurture them just the way they are, for who they are. So I trust that the Lord will provide the wisdom, insight and words for me to raise up healthy, confident children who see themselves through His eyes.

As I examine the mix of thoughts and emotions that have resurfaced this week with our recent follow up appointment, I've realized that it is ok for this to impact me. And I need to be honest about the fact that it does. I broke down and cried in the exam room when the cranial-facial doctor came in to visit. I realized I have silently been wondering what every mom wonders. I didn't even have to ask the question aloud before the doctor interrupted me to say he was so sorry he hadn't told me earlier "It's nothing you did." I can't even tell you how much those words meant to me.

So what's next? Well, we don't know. A lot of wait and see. The doctors don't want to do surgery for a while, until her nose is more fully developed. They told me there's a possibility they could do two separate surgeries, the first to remove the skin tag when she is about 6 years old and the second to reshape her nare when she is a teenager. Or they may not do any surgeries at all. It all depends on how her nose grows and whether it is causing her problems. For now, we wait a year and go back for a check up.

Until then, I think it will continue to sting a bit. I don't know what to tell people are "the right" words to say. There really aren't any that are right. But what I want more than anything is for everyone to love our daughter with us, to build her up and affirm her. She is a riot. And she's beautiful. She makes us smile and laugh every day. She is a precious gift and I want the very, very best for her. I feel totally inadequate to be her mama, like I will majorly screw something up and damage her permanently. But yet I trust that in Christ, I will be enough. Prayers appreciated!

Psalm 139:13-14 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

So there you are. A peak at this mama's heart.