Where have we gone wrong?

Today was one of those days of parenting where I feel like I have a big giant "You've failed" stamped in red across my forehead.  I've had these days before but usually related to losing my temper and acting out in exasperation.  Today was different.  I didn't yell at the kids.  I actually held it together quite well during a couple category 5 whine fests.  But it's the two flippant comments I overheard my eldest say that are eating away at me.  I still can't believe they came out of her mouth.

I think we all try to parent into our insecurities, doing everything we can to protect our children from the specific things we struggled with as kids and even as adults.  We grow very passionate about developing and instilling the qualities and values that we lacked because we've been there, done that and would never wish the pain on anyone, particularly our children.  A couple examples of these "hot button" areas for me are surrounding anxiety and poor body image.  I have struggled with both at times so know how suffocating they can become when allowed to take root and take over.  Naturally, I want to spare my girls from these two ugly beasts and so choose to consciously  parent in a way that I hope will result in that.  So it shouldn't come as a surprise that Isla's first comment struck a deep chord with me.  We were upstairs in her room when I asked her to clean up her toys.  She told me (and I quote) "I can't clean up my toys because I'm too stressed out."  WHAT!?  I giggled a little at first - I mean really, what three year old says stuff like that - but her comment really stung.  I mean seriously, WHAT THREE YEAR OLD SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT?!  A three year old living with two incredibly stressed out parents I guess.  Granted, I'm sure she's not truly experiencing anxiety and stress over her toys but the fact remains that the phrase has been modeled for her somewhere and she has picked up on it.  And so began the spinning cycle of insecure thoughts and mental self-beatings that we could allow this to happen. Giant "You've failed" stamp number one.

Later on in the evening, Isla was standing in front of the mirror and lifting up her shirt ever so slightly when I heard her utter the words "I'm fat" as she looked at her reflection.  She said it quite light-heartedly, almost as if she thought fat was just another word like tummy and abdomen that we use to refer to our stomachs.  I froze in complete shock.  As a professional, I was appalled but as a mother, I was literally devastated.  Talk about a dagger to a dietitian's heart!  Where did she learn this behavior?  How on earth is it already happening?  She is not even three and a half!  This is not the kind of body-image-promoting talk we permit in this house and, though I am quite confident it is not something she learned from her parents, it is a harsh reality to learn she is not immune.  Giant "You've failed" stamp number two.

It is moments like these where my instincts scream out to build an iron bubble around my kids to guard them from our world that is becoming ever-so-sickening by the day.  But that is also the reaction Graham and I are passionately, adamantly trying to resist.  We feel strongly that we are called to raise children who are "in the world but not of the world" and our goal is to teach them to be God-fearing girls who are strong, independent and confident in who they are in Christ, not swayed by the messages of the world around them.

Easier said than done!!

Today was a good reminder that we will fail our kids.  That those around us will fail them.  Over and over.  But what's done is not done and we serve a big God who helps mend and match the messes we create!  Lord give us grace and wisdom as we seek to do our very best.