Mumbo jumbo

I am currently seated in an idyllic setting in a coffee shop at the end of this pier in Coupeville, WA. In honor of my recent aging earlier this month, my husband gifted me with a "solo" get away, minus the solo part. Initially he was going to send me away entirely alone for an overnight to rest and refresh and write. I was thrilled by the idea but as is the case with most decisions in my life, at the the same time, I was paralyzed. Would I like being alone at dinnertime? Sleeping alone? Would I like not talking to anyone I know for an entire 24 hours? Given my most certainly introverted nature, I was a bit surprised that my answer wasn't an immediate and wholehearted YES!! But you see, the cool thing is that I adore this man that I'm married to and spending time with him is always on my bucket list. 

It also helped when he promised not bother me if I let him come too. By the time he arrived last evening after work, I'd enjoyed 7 straight hours of DOING WHATEVER THE HECK I WANTED. And it was glorious. I was also ready to tell someone about it. Insert husband who willingly suffered along with me in this gorgeous waterfront setting. Sigh. The things we do for love.

It's been a wild summer in our household. I have a lot of pent up happenings that I have yet to process which means you're probably in for it with this post. I catch myself frequently writing and rewriting blog posts in my head yet my fingers never quite make it to the keyboard. I'm not quite sure if there is something holding me back (3 needy children biding for my time maybe?) or if I'm just plain avoiding it. Like today for instance I've had all this glorious time to write out my thoughts yet I waited until after 2 PM to pull out the computer and even then only after a little pep talk from my husband. Sometimes I feel as if I have nothing to say. No moral or message or tidbit of wisdom to share. And so I don't write. Until I feel like I am about to explode, that is.

I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Maybe it isn't so much that I'm learning more about myself but more that I am finally learning to accept myself and who God made me to be. It used to be that I felt ashamed for my introverted nature. What loser likes to be alone? And fantasizes about being alone almost every given day? Um, ME!!! This motherhood ride is a crazy one, ain't it? It's probably no news flash to my fellow introverts that our culture does not embrace the art of introversion. Especially when we are also mamas. We tend to hide behind the scenes, sometimes we're awkward and some of us have these insane cravings to run off to coffee shops and write. Even when we have but a few readers. 

I must say though, I feel like I'm living the dream. For reals. I don't know, maybe it's because it's sunny or maybe it's because I quite my job or maybe it's because I finally have a house with a garden where I can put my fingers into the earth and try my hand at growing edibles. Maybe it's that I have 3 healthy children, just the right man for me, good friends who I am finally letting get to know the real me, and enough expendable income to afford the occasional getaway for self care.

I used to feel debilitated more often than not by my thriving guilt complex. Nice things unzipped me and I felt bad having them. Time alone made me feel exponentially undeserving. I'm a mom and didn't 24-7 hours come with the territory? These are the things I would tell myself. Breaks were a luxury that would fill me with guilt for weeks on end as I felt the death looks from the overtired moms who weren't as fortunate as I to score an occasional moment with no children hanging off my every limb. And yet, totally exhausted and worthless to the world without them, I could easily begin a downward spiral.

But I've been growing. I've been prayerfully ushering away these feelings of guilt and replacing them with those of grace. And I've been pleased to discover that not everyone despises me when I heroically manage to pull off some act of self care. I've found people in my life who are actually cheering for me to get breaks. Supporting me in getting them even. And not getting caught up in the crazy rat race of comparison.  I took a huge step last week and even paid a babysitter so I could go on a run. Say what!? Who does that? Tired mamas who need a break, that's who. (Counter intuitive to call a run a break, I know). I've been accepting the fact that God created me uniquely and wonderfully with my own set of needs - a need to write, a need to be alone, a need to hear the words "well done," a need to host and love on people, a need to have deep conversations and make connections. He is using the people in my life to affirm me in ways that I've never been affirmed before which is in turn (I hope!) is helping me flourish and lean into my God-given gifts and use them for His purposes. He is giving me confidence where once I was wrought with insecurity, faith to replace doubt, joy instead of depression.

Last summer I fessed up about my struggles with depression after Jack came into this world. I have nothing to hide. I want people to know my story, to see where I've been and maybe even to relate. I want other women who are in dark places to be open and share them with someone. I have been surprised to learn that vulnerability somehow draws people out. I expected airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, to push people away in search of someone who is more "stable." But no. Instead, I have had people approach me to me to THANK me for showing my cards, for being real. I am learning that life can be so rough and deep and rich and humbling and lovely all at once and I want to live each moment to the fullest. Sometimes this means feeling, really feeling deep pain. Other times this means giving the hard answer. Still other times it means shipping your kids off to grandma and grandpa's and enjoying an absolutely luxurious overnight with the sole goal of relaxing. And doing all that totally guilt free!

Our pastor preached an amazing sermon last week where he addressed the topic of caring for our bodies in the form of rest. If you are interested, you can search for it and listen to it here. It's entitled Wild Place of Rest by Richard Dahlstrom (8/16/15). As I was sitting in the pew listening, I was struck by the awesomeness of our Creator, to know us so well and care about our every intricacy, even down to making sure we take time to rest. In fact, He even commands rest of us in the form of taking a Sabbath (something I usually so totally suck at which is why my husband has to shove me OUT of the house if ever I am going to take a break). We need rest, folks. Guilt-free, God-ordained rest. We need the crazy busy voices telling us we can't take a break to HUSH-UP so we can pause and finish a thought, enjoy a sunset, read a book, savor a meal and be rejuvenated. Isn't it just the sweetest to know that our Savior desires this for us? So guilt be gone and give your tired body a break!

***(And thanks, hubs and G& G Wilson, for gifting me this moment to refresh).