$$$$$$

I had great plans to write about something super cutesy and fun today like 6 and 4 year old birthday parties but instead I'm choosing to dive into that terrible, horrible topic that everyone hates: MONEY. Sorry y'all but I just have to. I understand if this is the last sentence of this post that you read.

Over the past couple weeks, we've been hit with large bill after large bill. Astronomical bills, actually. At first I sort of had the nervous, giggly Wow, when it rains it really pours sort of attitude. But now it's starting to get a little old. And I'm not sure when we will have a breather from this financial pressure that is weighing on me.

Yesterday I opened what I thought would be a pat-yourself-on-the-back sort of bill. If those sorts of bills exist. Let me explain. You all know about my new vegetable garden this year which I just adore. It has been life-giving to me and a dream come true on so many different levels. One new feature at our new house has been this little built-in sprinkler system that apparently takes a PhD to operate. I mean, the thing is possessed. During the warmer months, it would come on at random times, flood the yard and do all sorts of crazy tricks. No matter how hard I tried to reprogram the darn thing, it had a mind of its own and seemed absolutely set on keeping our yard as green as a golf course oasis in the middle of the Sahara. Well. I bet you can imagine where this is going. We got our first water bill in July. Imagine a really big number. And then double it. It really hurt. Graham wouldn't even let me tell him the final amount. But let's just say theoretically that I grew a 9 pound zucchini. If we crunched the numbers, that zucchini would have cost me approximately $46.88 per pound. Just to water it. Which is a real steal if you ask me. I mean, it's giant. It's organic. What more could one want? Well, it ate up a huge chunk of our paycheck. Lesson learned. My father-in-law had tried to warn me but those sprinklers were not to be contained.

After painfully paying bill #1, I set aside an entire evening to mastering my freaking sprinkler system. I had renewed motivation and a tangible reality check. I read the entire manual (which of course didn't come with the house and so I had to scour and find one online that seemed similar...) I changed a ton of settings. I stopped the darn thing from watering 7 of the 9 areas it had been watering previously. I figured out how to have it water those two areas (my veggie bed and the front lawn) only once daily versus twice. I shorted the length of time it watered. It took about a week of trial and error but eventually I got the settings to switch and stay switched! I was thrilled and went back to my routines, anticipating that the next bill would be the pat-yourself-on-the-back type, reflecting just how dramatic and cost-saving my sprinkler adjustments had been.

Yesterday the next water bill came. I was expecting good news so I tore open the envelope, almost with excitement which is so totally weird but we won't go there. But the contents left me speechless. The numbers in bold print before me were even worse than before. They literally rivaled what my ENTIRE paychecks used to be. I burst into tears. I couldn't handle it. I felt like a total and complete failure. I was growing vegetables and grass outside, not diamonds. Who did these crazy water district people think that they were!? The doler outers of some scarce commodity here in the PNW: water? Umm, I think not. Well, ok. it was a titch more scarce this summer. But it's not like we typically have a problem with a lack of moisture here in the greater Seattle area!!

So, I think it's safe to say that the sprinkler control center is officially UNPLUGGED from our wall in the garage. Unless that thing somehow magically acquires wireless powers (which actually wouldn't surprise me), it is off for the season and it is highly unlikely that it will ever be used again. Except maybe when we go on vacation. The rest of the time, I will water my garden myself, just enough to keep my edibles alive but the rest of the yard will probably go to pot. I'm sure the HOA will have a cow, but hey! At least my highly controversial veggie bed will be green. ;)

But this post is not about the HOA or even the garden really. It's more about my feelings of failure and my struggles with doubt. I'm sure everyone is now well aware that I very recently quit my job. It was a needed move, the right move. I know this deep down. But when I see the numbers in our bank account going down and FAST, I suddenly find myself hyperventilating. Or like yesterday. just plain crying. I feel incredibly responsible. I begged to be able to stay home with our kids. I was being stretched well beyond my capacity and my kids' capacity and our sitters' capacities. Sure, it felt good when people would ask how on earth I did it - work part time, keep up a home, have three kids, run, and for a few years there, co-coordinate a ministry for young moms at my church. Well, the truth of it is that I didn't really do it well. And it required me to go on medications. Depression, anxiety and fear ruled. I was falling apart and unhappy.

Now we are (approximately) 68 days into this new adventure of my being a full-time stay-at-home mom (with the exception of an occasional on-call shift here and there). And CRAP is it ever hard.  This year is ABSOLUTELY NUTS with the various schedules we are balancing - first grade, preschool, early release, a napping youngest, not to mention feeding and bathing and clothing the litter somewhere in there. My calendar, which used to have one to two things on it each day, now averages about five. Yeah, some of them are quick little check offs like "Wear PE shoes" for Isla, but still, it's a full time job to keep it all somewhat straight-ish. I needed to be home just to manage life. And as hard as it all is, man is it ever good. I feel like an incredible burden has lifted no longer having to to arrange babysitting for my work days. We were have been SO BLESSED to have grandparents take care of our kids but they've been doing this faithfully and regularly for 6 years and we felt we owed them a much-deserved break.

Now that Emma has started pre-K, and as long as Jack keeps napping, I have THREE AFTERNOONS every week to myself at home. The time goes by super fast but so far it has been glorious. These pockets of time are to me margins, margins that always should have been there but weren't. Sometimes I feel guilty about having them while at others, I am just plain giddy. Honestly, I don't know how I survived the past 6 mothering years without them. New mothers should be discharged from the hospital with an extra strength prescription for margins. Seriously! Because, without them, this job is a recipe for crazy-making 100% of the time.

Anyway, I'm really not sure how everything is going to work out. As I type this, our van is in the shop getting these necessary but painful things called tires. Yesterday, I submitted that tear-jerking payment for our water bill. And unfortunately just last week we'd finally taken a leap and ordered a couch for our previously empty living room. This of course was before we knew what other fun financial surprises this month would hold. First world problems, right?

After a good night's sleep and taking time to process all this in writing, I'm reminded that we made this commitment to my being home knowing it would require walking by FAITH. If I'm honest, I guess I expected something just a liiiiitle more secure. Which isn't really faith at all. We have savings. We certainly aren't destitute. Those savings had been set aside for things other than tires and water but, if that's what we have to use them for, so be it. I have seen God's hand at work in our lives in so many ways and I know His provision is faithful. It may not always look like the "provision" we anticipated but ultimately I believe it is for our betterment. I anticipate the season ahead to require a degree of sacrifice from us that we have probably not yet experienced. It will be hard but I'm also old enough now to recognize that good fruit comes from the hard. And when Christ is in it, it is amazing. We have felt God's leading in guiding our family through these big, life-changing decisions and though the exact details are still unknown, I'm comforted by the scripture in Hebrews 11:1 that reads: 

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

 Halfway through our trip, we stumbled upon a total gem of a beach called Indian Beach. I make it sound like it's this hidden, secret place but really it is a beach within Ecola State Park which is advertised with good signage throughout the town of Cannon Beach. With the iconic Haystack Rock, I guess I've never felt the need to venture very far from Cannon Beach itself. I guess we have our kids to thank for this discovery. We were a few days into the trip and I hit a wall and desperately needed some space. Graham graciously loaded up the kiddos and I strapped on my running shoes. We didn't really make exact plans but while I was out running, he sent me a text saying they were in the state park. I happened to be near the entrance so told him I would run in and meet him there. The tsunami evacuation route signs probably should have clued me in to the fact that this would not be a leisurely jog but in the end, it was awesome! Climbing hills = great views. And then great beaches too as we wound our way down to Indian Beach. Apparently it's a go-to spot for Oregon surfers but for us it provided a wonderfully calm and wind-free spot for two days of beach play.

The beach itself was beautiful and there was an awesome little shallow creek that provided a great spot for the kids (and Graham!) to have all sorts of fun. They worked really hard to build a dam on both days as we were surprised to find the dam they'd nearly finished on day one totally taken apart when we returned the following afternoon. (Oops. We probably messed with some more ecologically- focused types).

We ate in on the last night of our trip, making good use of the outdoor areas of our cottage. These next couple shots turned out a little blurry but I still just love them for the sibling love and joy they capture.

These two in particular are incredibly bonded.

One last family shot of all my favs - the kids ask regularly when we can go back. I just tell them to go ask their dad. :)

Jack 23 Months

Well hey there you cutie patootie.

Sometimes you're so adorable it's just ridiculous. 

I love how you recently discovered piggy back rights and now chase after me yelling "back!" to hitch a ride.

And how you always want to wear your sweatshirt zipped with the hood ON. No matter what.

Your favorite footwear is most definitely your rubber rain boots, rain or shine.

You are talking so much now but continue to use your words carefully and pretend you have no clue what we are saying.

And then after 22 months of trying to teach you to sign "all done," you wait until month 23 to finally do it. 

And you accompany it with it perfectly distinguishable verbal "all done."

You've been holding out on us, Kid.

Your joy is contagious and one of my favorite parts of the day is fetching from your crib in the morning. 

You usually hang onto the rail and jump vigorously, grinning from ear to ear.

Or you immediately hit the deck, pretending to be asleep so you can savor your beloved binky just a few minutes longer.

You finally accepted the fact that sand is your friend and now you love the beach.

You also really like planes, trains, trucks and buses and can name each fairly clearly.

One of your favorite pastimes is sitting in the car and secretly turning on all the overhead lights, the blinkers, emergency flashers and you also love honking the horn.

You are my fabulous sleeper, napping for usually 3-4 hours a day if allowed. 

You recently learned the power of screaming.

But we are trying to help you see it doesn't really get you as far as you'd think.

But man, can you ever bellow!

You are quite the little singer, with Happy Birthday and the ABCs being your favorites. 

I dunno if most kids hold tunes this early, but we as your parents are impressed.

You are becoming quite the busy boy and love to try all sorts of new crazy stunts to keep mama young.

You now know how to open the door from the house to the garage which means if the garage door is left open, we find you street-side!

You love putting things in the microwave and I often find really special warmed surprises.

You are my kitchen buddy and are constantly scooting the chairs around, moving area rugs and throwing the towels on the floor so you can have just the right access to whatever it is you have your mind set on - the mixer, the food processor, the sink or the cutting board...

If I am cooking, guaranteed, you are by my side.

I may have made a mistake in letting you have the ONE piece of gum you were begging for the other day.

Shortly after, this happened:

Oh and speaking of bubbles, we discovered you have another mad skill:

We love you Jack Attack! Thanks for making life the ever-exciting, joyful adventure that it is with you in tow. I just love having you as my son!

Ice cream adventures and Tillamook Cheese

 We spent the vast majority of our time in Oregon within a few miles of Cannon Beach itself but we did take one day trip up the coast to Tillamook, OR to the iconic cheese factory. 

The kids thought it was pretty neat to see how cheese was made. I didn't take many shots of the cheese factory itself but we did manage to capture some pictures of the most memorable part: the post-tour ice cream cones (Jack's first!) 

 This picture is blurry but his expression says it all: don't mess with a boy and his cone! 

More Cannon Beach

 I don't have a lot more to say about our trip but I do have a LOT of pictures which I will dump on you in the next couple posts before I wrap up and return to reality. Unfortunately it wasn't until our second to last day that we made it to the amazing Sleepy Monk Coffee Roasters. Well. We tried to go midway through our stay but they were closed. It was in easy walking distance from our cottage and we ALL thought it was delicious. So much so that we went for both of our remaining mornings in Cannon Beach.

 The kids liked it because they sold doughnuts. Duh! 

 We anticipated a cool morning walk on the beach with coffees in hand but were pleasantly surprised by sunshine and warmth that led us to leaving piles of clothing as we stripped off layers, marking our way along the beach (you think I'm kidding...)

 It was at this point that I handed the camera over to Graham and told him I wanted to be in some pictures. So that our kids would know that I was there at the beach with them too. I read something once about moms who shy away from the camera or who are always the one behind the lens. And how their kids miss seeing an important piece of their childhood when mom is never in the photos. It's stuck with me and made me more intentional about getting in there with them.

 Jack learned a new word while on our trip: "back." And he hitched many-a-rides for the remainder of the trip.

 As did his older siblings....

 

 Then commenced our comic attempts at jumping photos.

Nailed it.

 Even though we failed to perfect our jumps, I love the joy that was captured here.

The more behind the aqua door

So I painted the interior of our front door aqua blue. Like Robin's Egg meet Crest toothpaste.

It was a long time coming. But it started when my husband sent me to Home Depot with three kids in tow, urging me to "pick whatever color you want." That will be the last time those 5 words ever come out of his mouth. He thought I was picking paint chips, I thought we were painting the door that afternoon and needed a quart like yesterday. Marital discourses like this are common around here.

 Anyway, as it turns out, removing and replacing front doors is a lot harder than it looks. And so, we didn't end up painting our door that fateful August day when I came home with the bright blue paint. Instead, we got the door primed and back on (and closing even!) right before we welcomed guests for 2 1/2 weeks. We put the project on hold and settled for painting 4 sheets of printer paper which I taped together and tacked to door so we could squint at them and say "Wow. That be some bright blue paint!" every time we walked by for the weeks that followed. We began eliciting mandatory paint color opinions out of all our guests before they were granted entry into our home and the most common responses were either a) to avoid the question or b) say something like "wow, that's bright!" 

 Needless to say, my color choice seemed a bit on the daring side. My husband, obviously regretting his  "pick whatever color you want" slip up, tried to convince me that white was right. As a lover of white walls, I almost succumbed. He nearly convinced me to go for a blue-ish shade that was waaaaaaaay grayed out but I knew it wouldn't make me grin like the bright hues. In the end, we settled on bringing my original color back to Home Depot and having them add just a titch of brown to it to mute it out a smidge. (I know, right? Imagine what color is was BEFORE we muted it!)

I must confess that all the discussions and naysayers and "whoa that's bright"ers made me feel unsure about my choice. Even as I was rolling the paint out onto the door this past Monday, I was questioning. Yikes! I knew I was to be solely blamed if it didn't turn out right. I'm a people pleaser. And I don't do failure.

Maybe I spend too much time trying to create depth where there isn't but I couldn't help but see this aqua door as a perfect illustration of my life, a life lived much of the time under the reigns of fear. Fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of not making the cut. I've managed those fears by doing my best to try and blend in. Despite a fabulous upbringing, feelings of positive self worth have not been a part of my story. I was home schooled for the majority of my life. When I finally entered public school in 9th grade, I wore black high tops and tapered jeans and curled my bangs so tightly that there was more of forehead showing than not. I had a hard time making friends and spent my high school years painfully as a third wheel until I finally opted to pull myself out and do running start at the local community college. I told everyone that I was doing it "to save money and earn college credits while still in high school." But this was a flat out lie. I got really sick and no one really knew what was going on. I lost a lot of weight and my GI system went nuts and it was debilitating. I didn't talk about it with my friends. I mean, what female high schooler wants to hear you talk about bowel habits? My body was sickeningly skinny yet in my head, I felt big. I didn't have a boyfriend until my second year of college. The only boy I ever kissed I ended up marrying. I didn't even get invited to my 10 year high school reunion a couple years back because nobody remembered me. I'll admit, even as the 28 year old grown up woman I was at the time, it stung. 

I have spent so much of my life on the outside, watching those around me, the "cool kids," enjoying their posh lives and basking in the loveliness of it all. Now that I'm an adult, I know better. I know we all have these stories, these insecurities, these grass is always greener fixations. Even the popular ones. And anyone who says they don't is kidding themselves. I have spent years attempting to stifle and smother the "real me" in hopes of creating an upgraded model that would somehow be found more acceptable to others. If I liked aqua blue when white was cool, I'd go with white. But GAH-lee, what a terrible way to live, suppressing these God given likes and passions just to go with the flow.

So I'm done! And I'm going to let this crazy blue door be a personal reminder of my commitment to live out and lean into the girl God hard-wired me to be. Thankfully, it's sort of hard to miss so I think I will be reminded often. :) If I love bright, then I'm gonna go with BRIGHT. And, dang it, so should you! 

Be real today, friends.

Birthdaying in Cannon Beach

Isla got to ring in her 6th year during our trip to Cannon Beach. I fretted that this would be somewhat of a let down for her but that was definitely NOT the case. She was thrilled to be both the center of attention and the recipient of all the "extras" that already come with vacations. 

She opted to eat out for breakfast (I've trained her well!) and the staff at Pig N' Pancake treated her well with a balloon and a candle in her crepe. For the rest of the trip, Emma identified this restaurant as the If You Give a Pig a Pancake place which was rather endearing. 

Isla was boss all day and got to choose the order of events so we hit up the beach next. 

 We were treated to gorgeous weather during our time there and lazied away the hours digging and building and kite flying and untangling very knotted kite strings. 

 I just discovered this next picture, captured unbeknownst to me by the hubs. I think just nabbed the title of My New Favorite Picture because it is oh such a very accurate representation of my life: wrestling to contain a very active and opinionated toddler while Emma marches around with a bucket on her head. Not pictured is Isla who would probably be sitting in the sand with a clip board writing letters and asking me how to spell things or begging for a playdate or making beaded necklaces. And then there is Graham who is taking pictures of it all. :) I sort of love it though.

Isla got to open one gift upon returning to our cottage and was so pleased by her new clay charm making activity book that it came with us on our girls trip to town to explore while Jack was napping. Of course we had to get a picture with this iconic whale from my childhood. Emma was quick to inform me that it was NOT a whale but rather and fin-less dolphin. She was insistent that daddy said so. Upon further research it was determined he did nothing of the sort....whatever floats your boat, kiddo.

 Our girl time consisted of park time, window shopping at the kite shop and then of course a trip to the candy shop where I spend SEVEN DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS to solidify myself as the Best Mom Ever for purchasing the face-sized lollipops in the picture that opened this post. 

Isla couldn't wait a second longer to open the rest of her gifts and successfully coaxed me to break my own self-inflicted rule of waiting until after dinner.

 She got the haul this year: a spool of elastic string for her jewelry-making, a hairdresser shop set of Legos, a new dress, a pencil sharpener and Bubble Tape.

 Oh and of course the clay charm making set that already joined us on the Tour de Cannon Beach.

 Isla requested pasta for dinner (no surprise there!) and we found a pizza place that also served pasta to appease her. After dinner, we came back for vanilla cupcakes with pink frosting and strawberry ice cream.

 I think the birthday girl had a great day!