The more behind the aqua door

So I painted the interior of our front door aqua blue. Like Robin's Egg meet Crest toothpaste.

It was a long time coming. But it started when my husband sent me to Home Depot with three kids in tow, urging me to "pick whatever color you want." That will be the last time those 5 words ever come out of his mouth. He thought I was picking paint chips, I thought we were painting the door that afternoon and needed a quart like yesterday. Marital discourses like this are common around here.

 Anyway, as it turns out, removing and replacing front doors is a lot harder than it looks. And so, we didn't end up painting our door that fateful August day when I came home with the bright blue paint. Instead, we got the door primed and back on (and closing even!) right before we welcomed guests for 2 1/2 weeks. We put the project on hold and settled for painting 4 sheets of printer paper which I taped together and tacked to door so we could squint at them and say "Wow. That be some bright blue paint!" every time we walked by for the weeks that followed. We began eliciting mandatory paint color opinions out of all our guests before they were granted entry into our home and the most common responses were either a) to avoid the question or b) say something like "wow, that's bright!" 

 Needless to say, my color choice seemed a bit on the daring side. My husband, obviously regretting his  "pick whatever color you want" slip up, tried to convince me that white was right. As a lover of white walls, I almost succumbed. He nearly convinced me to go for a blue-ish shade that was waaaaaaaay grayed out but I knew it wouldn't make me grin like the bright hues. In the end, we settled on bringing my original color back to Home Depot and having them add just a titch of brown to it to mute it out a smidge. (I know, right? Imagine what color is was BEFORE we muted it!)

I must confess that all the discussions and naysayers and "whoa that's bright"ers made me feel unsure about my choice. Even as I was rolling the paint out onto the door this past Monday, I was questioning. Yikes! I knew I was to be solely blamed if it didn't turn out right. I'm a people pleaser. And I don't do failure.

Maybe I spend too much time trying to create depth where there isn't but I couldn't help but see this aqua door as a perfect illustration of my life, a life lived much of the time under the reigns of fear. Fear of failure, fear of not fitting in, fear of not making the cut. I've managed those fears by doing my best to try and blend in. Despite a fabulous upbringing, feelings of positive self worth have not been a part of my story. I was home schooled for the majority of my life. When I finally entered public school in 9th grade, I wore black high tops and tapered jeans and curled my bangs so tightly that there was more of forehead showing than not. I had a hard time making friends and spent my high school years painfully as a third wheel until I finally opted to pull myself out and do running start at the local community college. I told everyone that I was doing it "to save money and earn college credits while still in high school." But this was a flat out lie. I got really sick and no one really knew what was going on. I lost a lot of weight and my GI system went nuts and it was debilitating. I didn't talk about it with my friends. I mean, what female high schooler wants to hear you talk about bowel habits? My body was sickeningly skinny yet in my head, I felt big. I didn't have a boyfriend until my second year of college. The only boy I ever kissed I ended up marrying. I didn't even get invited to my 10 year high school reunion a couple years back because nobody remembered me. I'll admit, even as the 28 year old grown up woman I was at the time, it stung. 

I have spent so much of my life on the outside, watching those around me, the "cool kids," enjoying their posh lives and basking in the loveliness of it all. Now that I'm an adult, I know better. I know we all have these stories, these insecurities, these grass is always greener fixations. Even the popular ones. And anyone who says they don't is kidding themselves. I have spent years attempting to stifle and smother the "real me" in hopes of creating an upgraded model that would somehow be found more acceptable to others. If I liked aqua blue when white was cool, I'd go with white. But GAH-lee, what a terrible way to live, suppressing these God given likes and passions just to go with the flow.

So I'm done! And I'm going to let this crazy blue door be a personal reminder of my commitment to live out and lean into the girl God hard-wired me to be. Thankfully, it's sort of hard to miss so I think I will be reminded often. :) If I love bright, then I'm gonna go with BRIGHT. And, dang it, so should you! 

Be real today, friends.