Tears

And so it begins.

Our journey to better sleep.

And hopefully more patience and an all-around better outlook on life too! We finally bit the bullet last night and started some sleep training with Jack. He's been waking more and more over the past month and I haven't been able to fall back asleep after feeding him so have been spending more of my nights awake than asleep. And since I went back to work on Saturday and Graham is ear-deep in his new job, we have decided sleep is absolutely essential for our family right now. And so THINGS. MUST. CHANGE.

I thought I was going to be so much more hard core with baby #3. I thought it wouldn't even phase me letting him cry it out some. It turns out I was all talk. Just because it's my third time going through it doesn't make the process any easier. I forget - who's supposed to be the one crying? The baby or the mom? 

But I love our doctor. I don't know if she brings this up with all her patients or if she could just see it in my eyes (this girl needs sleep!) but at Jack's 4 month appointment, she told me now was the time to teach him to self soothe if we were interested in doing so. Everyone has strong opinion on babies and sleep, I know, and you can find an argument to back up whatever side you fall on. What I say is to each their own and you do what you gotta do. Our doctor said she always told herself with her own kids and what she now tells her patients is that it isn't fair NOT teach our kids to fall asleep on their own. That was the final nudge I needed. Doctor's "orders."

I'll spare you the details but let's just say night #1 nearly broke my heart in two. I kept telling myself we're doing this for his own good, we're doing this for his own good. It worked for a half a second and then I was ready to barrel into his room and scoop him up and smother him with kisses. Instead, I put on the headphones and watched a middle-of-the-night show, taking one ear bud out every 3 seconds to see if it over. He did finally put himself to sleep, a lovely deep sleep. I immediately went in there and, while he slept, gave him his binky and swaddled him snugly, whispering promises that I would hold him ALL day today if he wanted. And wouldn't you know it, when he woke this morning, he was all grins. 

Gah. This parenting thing can be so hard. I couldn't help but think of this whole crying it out process as a metaphor to life. Sometimes we have to go through pain and tears to reach the bigger and better (or at least richer and deeper) thing on the other side (like in this case, well-rested bodies for everyone). Learned habits usually require discipline and discipline usually involves some sort of pain or discomfort. How often do we shy away from the hard simply because it's just that: HARD? How often do we grow angry at God when the going gets tough and life feels heavy and burdensome? 

This morning Jack awoke beaming. He bore no grudge. I can't read minds, but his eyes told all. He still thinks I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. His whole body smiled, communicating absolutely unconditional love for me. Oh how I long to learn to emerge from the challenging, growth-inducing seasons of my life with the same knee-jerk response to absolutely beam with adoration for my Savior. I have a thing or two to learn!