A Letter to My Readers

Dearest Readers,

It is with great excitement and a fair measure of trepidation that I share with you some changes are happening in my blogosphere. Most of you probably know that I have a food blog in addition to this personal one. Well, the time has come for the two sites to merge. As a reader of this blog, you are well aware that I have a LOT of thoughts and even more feelings. I have used this space to process the struggles and joys of parenting and marriage and life in general and everything in between and the Lord has been laying it on my heart to put it all out there over on Kelsie's Kitchen. I've committed to honesty and vulnerability and you guys - it's been amazing to see how this realness breaks down walls. I've reached a point where it feels somewhat dishonest to keep these two blogs separate and the Lord has been nudging me to make a change. It hasn't been intentional but sort of by default, the hard stuff goes here on the personal blog and the good, fun, silly stuff goes on the food blog. Presenting a picture-perfect life is the exact thing I am fighting against so the time has come for the spaces to merge.

For those of you who have been following me here, I would love it if you subscribed to my blog over at www.kelsieskitchen.com where you will find me writing about all the same stuff plus some food posts and recipes too. As for this blog, very soon I will be making it private and will pop in monthly-ish to continue document the nitty gritty details about what each of my kids are doing. I'm finally admitting it outloud: my monthly kid posts here are the closest thing they will ever have to a baby book! If you are interested in these intricacies, please please contact me and I will grant you access. Even if you've been a closet reader up until this point. I'm a closet reader on plenty of blogs and I know what it's like when they make it private and you don't have the balls to officially ASK to read it so you just have to let it go. ;) My intent here is mostly just to keep the creepy internet stalkers from knowing too much about my children. Which you aren't one of, of course.

Here's to many writing adventures ahead! Thanks for reading.

It's a new year!

I know it's not what the cool kids are doing but I'm a big resolver and I sort of love New Year's resolutions. Over the past few New Year's Eves, as we've closed down one set of 365 and welcomed a new one, I've asked my compatriots if they have made any resolutions. No has been the consistent response because, well, I hang with the cool kids. Admittedly, this phases me briefly, as I'm never one to totally enjoy bucking the trend and going against the flow (the trend here being not setting resolutions) but then I dig deep and carry on with my decision to resolve.

I'm a black and white girl and so the idea of a clean slate appeals to my soul. I'm also very, very goal-oriented and setting resolutions helps me stay on track. To be honest, I don't yet know exactly what my resolutions will be for this year, except of course that I plan to make some. I'm hoping they will flesh out and make themselves known as I sit here and think on the year.

A lot has happened in 2015 and I can't help but think about the resolution I made and wrote about here. I resolved to deepen my relationship with Christ, to pursue Him and get to know Him as a God of love and grace, as a God who loves and accepts every ounce of me. I had no idea if and how this resolution would come to fruition but it seemed like a good goal. In January, I went to get my hair cut and I told my hairdresser about the resolution. She challenged me read the book of John, as John was always referred to as "the one Jesus loved." How better to learn of God's love than to hear it straight from the source of one who is loved by God? I thought. I accepted her proposal and began slowly working my way through the gospel. I read small chunks of verses at a time but then grew inconsistent and over the 11 months that followed, I only made it to chapter 8. 

I thought about my resolution periodically throughout the year. Was I making any progress? How could I be if I wasn't doing my "assigned" reading. Guilt would bubble up and I would feel disappointed in myself. How was I ever supposed to grow if I wasn't follow my own self-inflicted formula? I love it how God, in moments like these, can take our best-laid plans (no matter how noble they may sound) and dump them on their faces, which is exactly what ended up happening. Not in an I'll show you sort of way but more of a Are you willing to be open and let me take the lead here sort of way.

He waited until nearly the very end of the year to show up. I was fighting feelings of disappointment. Wasn't this a resolution worth granting? In my head, I couldn't fathom how God could hear my plea to know His love more deeply and NOT grant it. But the truth, as I know it now, was of course that He DID want me to know Him as a God of profound love and incomprehensible grace. But it wouldn't happen as the result of anything I did, no 10 easy steps to knowing God. I'm a logical thinker but our God in one who defies all logic.

I was sitting in church and, though I can't recall the exact passage our pastor was preaching from, I think it was from Ecclesiastes. All I know is that he was sharing about 3 gifts from God, three gifts that He longs to lavish upon us. I can't even name the gifts now because I was so caught off guard in the moment. All I know is that they were lovely, and amazing and things I usually view myself as unworthy of. Suddenly something clicked and I saw my God in a new way, full of immense and unfailing love and it totally undid me. Tears streamed down my face and I couldn't get up on my feet when it came time for the congregation to stand and worship together at the close of the service. Afterward, I felt an undeniable urge to walk up to the front of the church and talk to my pastor. This isn't something I typically do. Ever. It isn't that the guy is unapproachable at all. It's more that I view post-sermon conversations to be for the super spiritual types which is not a category I would put myself in. But in that moment, no was not an option and I felt so compelled to go forward, dragging my husband along with. Through teary eyes, I told him THANK YOU for helping me see God through a different lens, that I'd been deeply impacted that morning. 

I didn't come to church that Sunday expecting what had happened. And then God showed up. In His timing. In His way. Lesson learned. And now my faith is all the better for it.

Well. That wasn't at all where I expected to go with this post but there it is. Over the past year, I've done a lot of growing. I feel that, by the grace of God, I know myself better today than I ever have before and I hope to live into that better in the year to come. I've identified some innate needs and, maybe more newsworthy than that, I've actually accepted theses needs as valid and even beneficial for my functioning. I'm hearing the voice of my loving God telling me It's how I made you. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Still, every time I do something "for me," I have to wack away an entire army of voices proclaiming guilt and my undeservedness of good. But slowly, one by one, this army is shrinking. The root of this guilt, of course, stems from one of my biggest fears - that I would somehow be viewed as a selfish, self-serving, and/or high maintenance. The meeting of my needs can sometimes feel so indulgent because it is typically comprised of time alone, time spent writing, reading, and running to name a few. BUT again I am reminded of God's unfailing love which does sometimes means really, really good things for me. I'm no proponent of prosperity gospel but I do believe now that God does desire to lavish us with good gifts.

So this year, I am committing to doing the things that I've discovered to be life-giving for me. I've done a lot of surviving and this year I would really, really like to thrive. So, without further adieu, this year, I commit:

1. To write - I love writing more and more with each passing day. It is one of the most life-giving activities out there for me right now. I have some ideas, some big dreams and a few personal goals of course but mostly I commit to continue forging ahead. To share my heart. I have no idea what lies ahead but I feel a very clear urging to keep at it and have faith. It's a bit like I'm walking into a fog without a whole lot of direction, but yet I can say confidently that this fog is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I don't think I'm quite to a place where I can commit to writing every day but I would like to put my fingers to the keys on a more consistent basis. I'm anticipating a few changes to my blog in 2016 that I'm excited about! To my cheerleaders out there (you know who you are), THANK YOU for encouraging me to keep putting out words. I have lots of them. 

2. To read - I guess it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to me that I love reading. Writers usually do. But I've felt an insatiable appetite for books lately and I plan to plow my way through as many books as I can this year. For starters, I will try to read 1 book every month and I will find time to do so by reading at night instead of surfing who knows what on my phone.

3. To run - a full marathon!!! Back in college, I dated a guy. I was a nutrition student and therefore "supposed" to be about all things health and fitness. I decided that I'd better take up running which of course led me trying to impress said boyfriend by opening up my big fat mouth and stating what I thought was a simple runner's goal - I'd run a marathon. He seemed mildly impressed. Never having run a day before in my entire life, I slipped on my shoes and jogged down to the canal that borders Fremont in Seattle, near my college campus. I made it, heaving and gasping, to the blue bridge and back, totaling a whopping 1 mile. Maybe it was even 1.3. I immediate canned that idea as my stupidest ever, gave up running for the rest of my college career and never thought much about the marathon thing again....until last year. I never would have predicted it back then, but now I am a 100%, full-fledged and addicted runner girl who is currently registered for her first full marathon in May!!! If you happen to be in Vancouver BC around the first of the month, give me a buzz! I could use some well-positioned cheerleaders. In the meantime, you can find me and my amazing running buddy Olona, adorned in headlamps and mittens, running at the crack of dawn in below freezing temperatures 3 times a week. WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS!!!

4. To create - This is probably my most recently-identified need: to create beauty. I never would have thought of this being one of my "things" (mostly because I usually feel so out of style!!) but as I think back on the past year, it's very easy to identify that this is something that feeds me. I have a list, pages in length, filled with projects, both completed and ones I'm dreaming of completing. All of them have to do with creating beauty in my home, ranging from the taking and hanging of photographs, arranging and organization of the office, the moving bristles of a paint brush, the running of fabric through a sewing machine, the planting of seeds or bulbs in soil, or the artful presentation of food and recipes. I never would have called it but, I'll be darned, I guess I am pretty creative! This year I'm going to do some of the things I've been dreaming about and enjoy making my house a home!

As a depression-sufferer, I know in my heart that I have to fight HARD to do things that are life-giving. I am praying over the year - that whatever my hands find to do, that I would do it with all of my might. I would love for these resolutions to be in "the plan" for me in 2016 but I am also praying that my hands would be open and that God would bring to light HIS plans for my year. 

What are YOU resolving to do in 2016?

Jack 26 Months

I probably should be doing a million other things right now like tackling the arduous process of putting away Christmas decor or finding homes for all the new gifts we were given but the fact of the matter is that this kid ain't getting any younger and so I'm gonna sit here and write about him instead! 

 I think it is probably most apparent that he has a slight obsession with buses. School buses, city buses, shuttle buses, you name it. He is pictured above reading The Wheels on the Bus to his new remote control school bus and I can hardly stand the cuteness! His favorite bus of course is the 255 which we see most often as it cruises along the main street near our house. He screams "The 2-5-5!!!" anytime it passes (well anytime any city buses passes really).

 His buses go with him everywhere: in the car, to the grocery store, to bed. He is currently sleeping with no fewer than three buses I type. Sometimes this means he wakes up with scratches on his face because their snuggle factor is lacking but he could care less!

He is pretty enamored with trains and trash trucks too and was pretty thrilled when we took him for a spin on the monorail earlier this month. He begs and begs to "ride it" - it being essentially anything with tracks or wheels but we do know for sure that he does NOT prefer the carousel (or sitting on Santa for that matter). 

Jack is making mealtimes a bit of a challenge as of late. He is so over his booster seat and insists on kneeling in it when he does use it. He would prefer to use a regular chair (which we occasionally allow him) but often the meal ends when we look away for a minute and find him looping our circular floor plan at lightning speed. Sigh. He was fortunate enough to discover juice and "tickle water juice" (sparkling cider) over the holidays which was pretty thrilling. He loves drinking out of "real" glass cups and always insists on having the "blue one" (cup, bowl, spoon, plate...)

I LOVE hearing Jack's vocabulary grow every single day. He's constantly saying new adorable phrases that keep us all smiling. He walks around the house now yelling "Daddy, where are you?" and sometimes he even begins the day by yelling that same thing from his crib. He gets "him" and "her" mixed up a lot and so often will ask to "See her" when I mention his uncles. He is really learning his manners though sometimes when you ask him "What do you say Jack?" (fishing for a thank you), he'll say "Sorry Mom" in the sweetest of ways. When you give him something he wants, he'll often respond with a chipper "Thank you! Welcome!" doing all the work for you. One of my favorite things is how he says "Yaw" for "Yeah" and how he greets me with "Hi Mom!" every time I walk in and out of a room, even if I was only gone for 5 seconds.   

 There are a couple of downsides to his expanding vocabulary. Like how a certain little someone taught him to say "shut up" which he likes to say on repeat to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. He's quite the perceptive little human and knows how to yank mama's chain. He'll alternate "shut up" with "peanut" (which he thinks is the name of his man parts) over and over when he really wants to get some attention. Seriously? Seriously. Yesterday I felt like supermom as I was loading my 3 kids and a Costco cart of groceries into the van. Wafting out of my trunk came the sounds of uncannily loud voices screaming "SHUT UP", "POOPY POOP" and "PEANUT!!!! PEEEEEEEEEEEANUT!!" 

Beside the occasional potty talk, most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth is downright endearing and adorable. Or musical. He still loves to sing and has mastered many more songs this month. Some of his favorites include Away in a Manger, Jingle Bells, Jesus Loves Me and some songs from the Nutcracker which he can hum with incredible accuracy. He started singing Happy Birthday to Jesus instead of Gideon this month which was a refreshing change of pace for his listeners. There are so very, very many other things that make this kid awesome that I'm sure I'm forgetting but this will just have to do. I'll close with this video that captures a few classic Jack-isms like blaming his sister, talking about his favorite bus and saying "yaw!"

Little Small Moments

She and I. It would be the understatement of the year to say we are having some challenges. Alike in so very many ways yet completely opposite in others. But deep down, I get her. And sometimes that's the biggest struggle. She has a tag on the inside of her pants that ABSOLUTELY WON'T DO. There is a toenail sticking out just wrong enough to make shoes totally unwearable. What seems like a fairly minor collision with the table elicits death-defying shrieks. Must I give the wails my attention? I'll be darned if I don't. The other day I paused momentarily to survey the damage and returned to my work of preparing dinner. A six year old voice piped up: "Mom! I don't like it when you turn your back on me when I'm hurt."

She has a point. Who would like having a back turned in time of need? This child-rearing, raising them up to be healthy little loving humans certainly isn't for the faint of heart. No one ever told me having kids would be like taking the magnifying side of a mirror and aiming it toward all your faults and deepest insecurities and then projecting them for all to see. Even though it's really, really hard and takes every ounce of my patience and then some, it's the most amazing thing I've ever done. Yesterday we were sharing a meal with family and my brother-in-law gave thanks for the privilege of parenting - how it gives us just a glimpse of the depth of the Father's love for us as we experience the immense love we have for our own children. I couldn't have said it better.

This month has been an excruciating one for me. After two doctors visits and over 30 days of not feeling well, I finally landed myself with the diagnoses of a sinus infection, bronchitis, a double ear infection and pneumonia. Talk about feeling a little bit under the weather! Last week I hit bottom as the darkness of the weather collided with my inability to exercise due to the coughing fits they induced. The weight of the world surrounded me, so much so that I began every day with this heavy sense of dread that I just could not shake. I could not identify anything that I was looking forward to (even with Christmas around the corner!) and every day felt like monotony. It was not a place that I wish to return to.

The one benefit of being sick for so long is that I did get the opportunity to do a little bit of reading. I lacked the motivation for much else beyond laying on the bed and then moving downstairs to lay on the couch, just for varieties sake. Well, and I suppose there was a sprinkling of "parenting" going on in there somewhere too but mostly I left that up to the TV which was my ever-present babysitter (gasp). I'm actually in the middle of reading two books right now which isn't that uncommon for me: Bird By Bird (by Anne Lamott) and Simply Tuesday (by Emily P. Freeman). It might take me half the year to get through the two books but I like to dance between the pages of each, combating any chance at monotony. Though I would never put these books into the same literary category, the theme that keeps jumping out at me through the pages is similar. One is on writing, but specifically small frame writing. The author encourages readers to take a moment in time and pretend you are looking through a 1-inch frame and write about what you see. Avoid what is behind you or even in the periphery. Look through that one inch and look closely. See the detail. Write.

The subtitle of the next book summarizes it's content so perfectly: "Small-Moment Living in a Fast-Moving World." The author talks about making even the ordinary moments in our life count. She herself is fighting against the urge to Make! Produce! Ship out! She suggests we are always tempted as humans to "build a city" - to do something bigger and better and go for the glory. What if instead, the next time we spy a ladder and are tempted to use it to build upward, we take it apart and use the wood to build ourselves a bench? A bench to sit upon, and stay awhile, to keep us in the moment. 

I like the way both these author ladies think. And this is a practice I long to grow better at. 

I was in a terrible place of bemoaning my illness this past Friday morning when I began the most depressing post (which thankfully I didn't complete so the internet was spared!) It was, however, during the writing of said post that I found I was doing just what these two authors had suggested - finding a small moment and diving in. I had set out to whine about the challenges of my weekday afternoons (really, they're a bear), but what I ended up typing was the most beautiful picture of my four year old daughter every afternoon when she comes home from school. Usually I view this moment as the end of my "me" time (which of course never feels quite long enough) and the beginning of a looooooong and whining-filled afternoon and evening until I can finally appease the kids' last request and get them in bed at about 7:30 PM. But when I stopped and really looked at that moment when the clock strikes 3:10, my quiet is broken, yes, but then it is filled to the brim as my beloved, sweet and affectionate 4 year old comes bursting through the door. She pulls out a picture from her backpack and presents it to me. It's the same every day - a large red heart in the top left corner of the page with the letters M-O-M scrawled next to it. It's beautiful. And sometimes I just need to write about these things to realize their beauty. To assign new value to the mundane in the day to day.

Today I had the incredibly opportunity to volunteer in my oldest's classroom (see picture above). It took me 6 weeks to schedule a 1 hour segment, mind you, but I made it happen. Due to our strained interactions as of late, I'm typically more than happy to send my little girl off to school and not see her again until 3:40 PM. That feels really terrible to type (Child, please forgive me when you read this someday and know that I love you desperately!!!) but it's the truth right now this day, this month. Sometimes space is what keeps us both alive at the end of the day. BUT, I knew that being in her class would mean the world to her and I really want to make an intentional effort to be present now when she outwardly wants me there because I know these days are numbered. 

You guys, it was the BEST THING EVER going to school with my sweet one and staying. She was GLOWING and I'm pretty sure she thought I was the coolest mom to have ever set foot in that classroom. I mean. These small moments. They are the absolute best! God, grant me the ability to slow down and surrender my agenda and be present for these small, precious moments. The joy in the ordinary.

Isla 75 Months

Headline news over here, People: ISLA LOST HER VERY FIRST TOOTH!!!! It was long-awaited and happened unexpectedly on November 6th, exactly one week after Isla dressed up as the Tooth Fairy for Halloween. Bless our dear friend Olona who was hanging out with the girls when the big event happened. Apparently it was a bit traumatic at first but then the excitement set in. Isla been asking for MONTHS leading up to this day whether the tooth fairy would live with us after she lost her tooth. I would answer with a casual "Yeah probably." BIG mistake. The 3-story house she built for her out of Legos earlier in the fall should have been my first clue that she was taking this a bit more seriously than I. By the time evening came on the 6th, I knew I was in deep doo-doo. Her entire bedroom floor had been transformed into a colony for the tooth fairy, complete with a carnival and numerous farm animals. So I set to work drafting the following letter:

I posted it on social media to highlight the crazy doo-doo I was in but instead got a lot of positive praise for creating something so "magical." Ha. I assure you that was never my intent. And it really wasn't very magical. I had dug myself a deep hole and was trying to pull my way out. Annnnnnd, it was probably one of my worst ideas. At first Isla was excited that the tooth fairy accepted her request to stay but disappointment came shortly after when she realized the tooth fairy wouldn't coming out to play with her. Then came the challenge of figuring out how to make it appear the tooth fairy was "living there" each night. Oy vey!

I ended up writing a note each night or leaving something under her pillow which is just what every busy mother of three has time for...By the end, I wanted to poke my eyes out! I made Graham get in on the action and his letters were a bit different than mine...

"I have arranged some food for you." Seriously??? What the heck does that mean? Anyway, somehow we all survived the ordeal and on night number 5, the tooth fairy wrote a nice note saying that it had been a special first visit and that for future visits, she would only be able to stay one night. She also left a note saying to clean up the commune on the bedroom floor because "Jack and Emma wanted to play with the Legos too." In the end, I think it was pretty magical for Isla but a pain in the hiney for her parents. And in case you are wondering, I have already informed her that SANTA ISN'T REAL. #neveragain

(She won't believe me. Oh boy!)

These sisters have spent most of their recent days playing school together. Isla is always the teacher and loves the illusion of being in control. ;) She runs a pretty tight ship but Emma doesn't (always) mind. They had a lovely time playing together almost constantly over Thanksgiving break. I came to the encouraging the realization that a lot of the fighting occurs on school days when they are tired and we have a strict schedule to adhere to. Hallelujah. Maybe they will grow up loving one another after all.

I got to meet with Isla's 1st grade teacher right before Thanksgiving. Isla received all glowing reviews and I can tell that she is so totally adored! I believe the words "dream student" might even have been used. :) She is really progressing with her reading this month and it is fun to watch her pick it up. Her teacher could not stop praising her for how caring she is with her classmates. She is sitting next to a sweet little boy who needs some extra help and Ms. Maloney says it is amazing to watch her almost mother him (in a good way, she says). Isla loves Writer's Workshop the very best and spends a lot of her down time at home writing books. She has her little possy of friends that she loves to play with and is definitely my social butterfly. I'm so proud of her and expected no less!

Isla is excelling at school but, to be honest, we are having quite the hard time at home. She and I seem to be like oil and water. As soon as she comes home from school, she is frowning and sassing and yelling at me and her siblings. She screams at me at the drop of a hat and helping with her homework has become the thorn in my side. What should take 5-10 minutes takes 40 because of all the crying and whining and disrespecting and throwing of things. I usually end up sending her to her room at least 3 times for her behavior and it's awesome. Next week, we are trialing having a sweet 11 year old neighbor girl (who Isla adores) come over to play and help Isla with her homework. Seriously, I think it will be worth the $12. I know we will get through this and figure out a way but for now: PRAISE GOD I'M NOT HOMESCHOOLING!!!!!

Despite all the sassing and frowning, I know my sweet girl is in there. This morning, through all the whines, I heard her say that she really needs some time alone with me. Despite all her idiosyncrasies, she really is a rather perceptive little girl. She has been able to identify that she is experiencing a lot of sadness over the fact that her friend Lannie (above) is moving to Bellingham. She also told me the other day that she has a lot of big feelings that her body doesn't know what to do with. Wow. I wish I could have verbalized that at age 6!

She tends to be my more serious one but occasionally says the funniest things! The other day, I was asking her questions for a very belated six-year-old birthday interview:
Me: Who is the biggest person you know?
(Silence)
Isla: Wait. Does Dad weigh more than you?

Love you, girl! 

Emma 49 Months

I'm fresh off a morning spent with this charming beauty. She must have known I was headed to a coffee shop to go write about her because, just moments before I left, she ASKED to wash the dishes for me and then proceeded to help bring out the recycling and grab me a snack to stash away for later. Sometimes she gets lost in the mix of being the middle but mostly she's a dear.

Her hair is so super long and she wants to donate it but mommy and daddy can't quite bring themselves to cut it (though she did take matters in her own hands a couple months back and cut some herself). She's moving away from her usual "side bun" hairstyle request and now, on most days, asks for two braids or a long ponytail.

She is LOVING school and comes home with painting creations EVERY day. She tells me painting is her favorite part of school and her teacher says the dress up corner is a real hit too. We had her first parent teacher conference and she is doing well on all accounts! Her teacher says she's ready for some basic reading which came as a surprise to me, not because I doubted her in particular, but rather because I tend to underestimate what my kids are capable of. She has a little boyfriend named Lucas and it sounds like they spend a good chunk of time together. I sort of love it that she hangs with the boys.

The boy that puts the biggest twinkle in her eye though is definitely her friend Leif. He lives in West Seattle but the distance makes no matter to them. They love ANY opportunity to be together and pretty much act like an old married couple, greeting and bidding each other adieu with a hug and a kiss.

She's a snuggler and a hugger and likes most anything mommy says she likes. :) I'm savoring this phase where I can (sometimes, ok rarely) have a say in her outfit choices by saying it's my favorite. Emma's go-to is definitely a dress and tights or long socks and usually her light up tennis shoes!

 Emma and Jack are the best of buds. When big sis is in school, these two are inseparable. They play together SO well and keep each other entertained for an hour at a time. Whenever Jack gets injured, Emma is the first to come running to the kitchen for a ziplock to fill with ice.

 We are big on calling body parts what they are over here. Despite our efforts to tell it like it is, somehow Emma got it in her head that the male anatomy is called a "peanut." A couple weekends back, Isla was attending a friend's birthday party at the theater. I told the kids the name of the movie she would be watching and you should have seen the look on Emma's face when I said it was called Peanuts!!!! Her expressions depicted perfectly every last thing she was thinking: They made a movie about THAT? Oh my word it was hysterical!

 Some things that have been keeping Emma entertained this month include: playing school with Isla, playing pretend kitties or tigers, building with legos, dressing up and dancing. We were so excited to be gifted tickets to the dress rehearsal of the Nutcracker and which we surprised the girls with the night before Thanksgiving. Ever since, Emma's adult aspirations have shifted from "being a bat" to "becoming a ballerina in the Nutcracker." I guess we should resume those ballet classes!

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

It is the first Sunday of Advent and the house is quiet. I am home alone, a very rare occurrence in this phase of life. My heart longed for solitude this morning. I am on day 18 of a terrible cold and rest has not yet made it to the top of the agenda. My conscience screamed "You should join them" but I sent them off anyway, my husband and brood of three, to worship in community. Ordinarily, I would be with them. Today I needed to rest. It was as if I heard the voice of Christ whispering "Cease. I will meet with you here." So here I sit, worshiping as an audience of one. 

Frost laces the barren branches of the trees out my window, each tiny shoot encapsulated in cold. I can hear the clock ticking. This is a season of great waiting. Of anticipation. It is Advent: a time where we anticipate the arrival of a notable person, thing or event. We wait in silent expectation, for the coming of our Savior King. Usually Christmas comes and goes before I have a chance to truly ponder this and what it means for me. 

My kids have the most immense appetites for knowledge, and their questions never cease. Yesterday, we unpacked our nativity set, and I began to teach my two year old of the birth of the baby Jesus, acting out the story with the figurines. Though his obsession with the donkey seemed to overshadow everything else, I can sense the main character of the story is apparent to him. In this day and age where Santa and elves and toys and everything else seems to be the primary focus, how can we keep Christ at the center? I long for my kiddos to know the truth and to know it intimately. To hear the awe-inspiring story of the virgin birth, and to know with every ounce of their being that this coming of Jesus was for THEM. For all of us. 

It's hard to imagine that, in a world of millions, our very names were on His mind when He came to earth as our Savior. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says "He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him." What an amazing reason to celebrate - that through Christ's coming to earth as a baby and His subsequent death on the cross for us, we could be forgiven and seen as blameless in His eyes. May we all take a moment this season to cease and ponder this amazing gift.

Happy Advent to all!