Authenticity

I am finally having what very well may be my first sliver of peace and quiet since last Wednesday. Quiet, that is, with the exception of the lawn mower and leaf blower thundering outside my window. (Really, I am grateful that we have landscapers who keep the common areas outside our townhome trim and proper. But come on, who does motorized yardwork at 8:30AM?!) Still, I am thankful for this moment of "quiet." To be honest though, I am squelching some pretty strong urges to go for a run, to make the bathrooms sparkle, to sweep all the food particles leftover from Easter off the kitchen floor, to right a will (yes, we're 7 months overdue on this), to make sure our finances are in check, to get outside and plant the dahlia bulbs and herb seeds that are beginning to sprout in my closet since I have not provided them with a better home....you get the picture. It's really hard for me to just sit here and not put this, probably very brief, naptime (and therefore my freetime) to good "use." But writing helps me process and I figured I would post a few of my recent thought processes in hopes of hearing YOUR thoughts. Maybe you have insight to offer?

I mentioned the devotional book I started a number of posts back. Allbeit slowly, I am learning about authenticity, about letting my guard down, slowing down, letting life get a little messy and most importantly, being honest about it when the going gets rough. I'm still chewing on this, trying to figure out what exactly it means to be authentic. I have always had a hard time reconciling how one can share honestly each hardship without coming across as a real downer or a Negative Nancy. This has always been my fear, being that person with the "Woe is me, life is rough attitude." So sometimes I paste on my smile and fake it (please tell me we all do it!)

Here's a little excerpt from my book: "Believer, I beg you, choose authenticity over appropriateness. Risk inviting others believers into your struggles. You'll find more compassion than you could have hoped for. An honest community breeds more honesty. One girl drops her mask, and five others follow suit."

I think it's making a bit more sense now. What God is teaching me is that through honesty comes healing. The struggles must be out in the open before the healing process can begin. And as we allow God to heal us, joy is a result and we lose the downer attitude.

Ha ha, I just reread what I've written and realized I almost got away with sharing my thoughts on this topic while only eluding to what I am struggling with. Tsk tsk how unauthentic of me! :) In brief, my transition into motherhood has been a wild roller coaster ride. My little disclaimer is that I wouldn't change it for the world, but I wouldn't say that it has been a walk in the park. Recently, I have been having a really hard time with sleep deprivation, not feeling like I get any time alone but then also feeling like I'm not fully present with Isla when I am with her (because I have a tendency to multitask...) I want everything in my life to be even and fair and, well, it's just not. I keep wondering when life is going to get back to "normal" rather than excepting this as my new normal. Then there's the whole exercise piece-being limited as far as what I can do with a baby in tow, not to mention finding time to do it! I think mostly I feel like I've had 7 months and should have "figured it out by now" but haven't. So, there ya have it. The honest truth. (Did that work as good birth control for you not-yet mothers?)

I feel like I need to say again that I LOVE being a mommy. I have a lot yet to learn. I'm thankful for these moments when God reminds me that He's waiting to take over, if I'll just give up control.