I don't think many people become parents because they just can't wait to discipline. I know I sure didn't. And I'm pretty sure that's not what made Graham a giddy first-time-dad either. But yet here we find ourselves, tumbling toward the inevitable, and we can't seem to slow down our pace. This is happening a lot sooner than I would have liked. I feel unprepared. I mean, I haven't read many (ok, any) books on the topic. YET. I must give myself at least one pat on the back. I have a parenting book sitting on the coffee table in front of me. That's gotta count for something. And I've made it through at least two chapters. So far it has not offered any magical answers so my motivation to continue is quickly wavering. Sigh.
Don't get me wrong; it's not that we have a badly-behaved toddler. It's just that we've reached that age where she is really starting to push the limits and we haven't quite yet developed our battle plan. The main problems that have surfaced over the past couple weeks are:
1) food throwing
2) slapping mommy in the face while saying "owww" repeatedly.
Graham and I had a family meeting earlier this week after I had a particularly challenging day alone with Isla. It was quite obvious that we needed to figure out what we were going to do when she misbehaves and we needed to both be consistent in our response together as parents. Doesn't that make it sound like we have a good plan now moving forward? Ha! I wish! I feel like our discussion kept taking us in circles as we both felt clueless regarding what is realistic/appropriate for a 17 month old. It feels too early for timeouts (although we might give it a shot when she hits me). Distracting her and telling her that hitting me in the face is not nice does not stop the behavior. A lot of people say to ignore kids when they misbehave but you try ignoring whacks to the noggin. Really, that doesn't seem like an effective way to deal with the problem. We haven't fully decided our take on spanking yet either. I don't think either of us are opposed but it seems a bit confusing to have a child hit you in the face and then you punish her by slapping her hand or behind, don't ya think? Plus, yet again, it just feels like she's too young to understand us when we explain our reasoning.
So here we are, back at square one (or so it feels). Tips anyone?!
The only thing I can think of is to do two steps. 1. when she hits tell her NO! 2. If she does it again put her into timeout, somewhere where she can't get out (a crib, or playpen) after a few minutes go get her and tell her its not nice to hit. Repeat if necessary.
ReplyDeleteFood throwing, we just remove from the table. Good luck...I highly recommend Shepherding a Child's Heart...great advice on parenting. Remember no child is the same and what works for one might not work for another.
We've been doing timeouts for a few months now. I don't think its too early, and she will catch on rather quickly. You definitely want to tell her NO with the hitting - don't ignore that one. Put her in a time out for 1 minute (she's 1-year old), tell her why she is going to time out, and don't engage with her. Watch the clock, and when she has calmed down (shouldn't take too much longer than 1 minute), go over to her and explain to her what she did was not okay. Then give her a hug/kiss and tell her you love her. 99% of the time (at the moment), Maddie gets up and is a happy girl. Its not lke she wants to misbehave, as much as she can't fully communicate which turns into the tantrums. The time-out works well to do exactly that - give her a time to stop and regroup for a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!
We started Hailey on time outs around that age. She's not too young. Now hailey knows where her time out spot is and when she misbehaves she'll usually walk herself to her spot and sit down when we tell her to go have a time out.
ReplyDeleteWe take away the food when hailey starts getting rowdy with it. she's learning that if she wants to eat she needs to not play with it otherwise it's taken away for the night. I had a hard time with this at first, but Pete reminded me that she wouldn't starve herself and that this would help her make a better decision next time. we offer her a lot of choices (all good ones) and try to empower her in her decision making. I still haven't read it, but love and logic is what pete's read most of and that's what we're kind of following. So far I like it (and keep intending to read it myself!).
I have been hit in the face by hailey (HARD on the EYE) and I instantly wanted to slap her in the face (I wouldn't!)...so pete grabbed her from me and put her in time out. I went and had a time out in our room (it hurt my feelings and face - yes, I shed some tears over that one!). It's a hard one to deal with calmly...but I was really happy to have Pete there to put her in a timeout and tell her hitting was not okay. She once in a while 'pats' my face and I'm scared she's going to whack me like she did that one time. Anywho....
Good luck!
So, obviously, I'm not a parent but I do have a lot of experience with/education about children and I will say that one parenting book/strategy that I love is Love & Logic. I'm a big fan or choices and consequences and have found that those strategies worked well when I was a nanny. Also, my sister does time outs with her 1.5 year old and they actually work well.
ReplyDeleteThat is my non-parental advice. :o)
Welcome to parenting! :) You're not alone and little Isla is definitely normal. I remember when Ellie was that age and really starting to exert independence. A phrase I kept repeating (especially to Jackie) was, "I have a feeling I should be doing something, but I don't know what. Does she even 'get' it yet??" The answer was - yes.
ReplyDeleteI just read through your comments and they are all great. Another book that compliments Shepherding a Child's Heart, but deals directly with smaller children (and is easier to read) is "Don't Make Me Count To Three." It deals directly with the heart of the issue: obeying. My big thing is I don't want to have to continue repeating my instructions. Anyway, it's good (even though, like you- I've only read a couple of chapters...I just can't finish these type of books). We have also really started following the Love and Logic strategy. I love it, because it gives choices so that both parties feel "in control" and you can avoid getting angry. Many times I even ask Ellie, "would you like to wash your hands or go into time-out." Granted, she's older than Isla, but it works.
Best of luck. Remember you are not alone and to apply grace to both you and Graham. No one said this is easy and tomorrow is always a new day! :)