Man oh man, yesterday was just one of those days where nothing seems to go right. One of those days where I really wished the lemonade I'd been drinking was spiked. Or that I could enjoy a nice glass of wine out on the patio just to chill out. Instead, I brewed a pot of decaf french press and it just had to do. After about the 12th timeout in so many minutes, I'd had it. My toes had been stepped on, dinner forks were strewn precariously about the kitchen floor, I'd been slapped in the face and run away from multiple times, the whining was incessant, the recycling was being eaten from and emptied out onto the kitchen floor, everything I put away seemed to jump back out again, my plants on the patio were being whacked with a spatula, the chicken wouldn't cook through (and then ended up completely burnt) and I was feeling very pregnant, exhausted and moody for no directly identifiable reason.
For a brief moment, I felt like someone needed to fire me, like I just wasn't cut out for this job. I didn't handle the situation calmly. I yelled "NO!!" multiple times. My patience was completely absent. That's the honest truth. When I returned to fetch Isla from one of her many timeouts, she immediately jumped to tell me "sorry" and kept repeating it over and over as she saw the tears in my eyes well up and begin to flow. Then it was MY turn to tell her that I was sorry for being impatient, for acting out of frustration instead of love. I wish I could say that things turned around from that point on and that the Little Miss was perfectly behaved for the rest of the night and that I was the perfect mother responding to her needs. Ha!
Looking back, I'm not even sure what the deal was, why I felt so off. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it is pre-finals weeks here at the Crozier household which means from now until June 8th, I am 100% on-duty, all day, everyday as Graham's minimal "free" time has to go to his studies. I never realized how rough it would be to do it all solo for days upon days in a row. Sometimes I feel like all I do is herd and cook and do laundry and pack lunches and dinners for all parties involved and, though most of the time I am able to do it cheerfully and with a grateful heart (really, I love being at mostly stay-at-home mom!), there are other days when it gets the best of me. I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary, that one day there will be no grad school, that Graham won't have to go three days and then some without seeing his daughter, that someday we will have free time that is actually free, that I won't always have to arrange for a babysitter to attend my evening meetings and obligations. One day, Graham will be around to free me up for an after dinner walk or run to Starbucks to get away and refresh.
After a night of reflecting, I think I realized that what I'm craving right now are moments away. Completely ALONE, where I don't have to go to work or an appointment or meeting, where I can just do whatever I want. I feel guilty even saying that after a wonderful vacation away with my family. How could I possibly need to get away so soon? As I was telling a friend the other day, vacations definitely take a different tone with little ones and I can see why people take grandparents along so everyone can have a true break. Would I change our trip? Certainly not. We had an absolute blast! But I'm (slowly!) learning the necessity of my own self care to keep me a sane and effective mama. So, anyone up for playing with a sweet, (busy), cute, (active), talkative and hilarious 21 month old between now and June 8th? :)
So there it is. A bit of honest reflection, a true "day in the life" over here. All I can say is that I'm glad today is a new day, that His mercies are new every morning, Today is going to be a good day!
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