Cold coffee

This week was rough. I admitted to Graham last night that it was definitely the hardest week for me since Emma's birth (other than her 2nd hospital stay of course--that will always trump!) Isla and I both got sick on Wednesday, just in time for Graham to go back to work Thursday/Friday which meant I was "on duty" from waking to bedtime for both girls. The jury is still out on whether we prefer 8 or 12 hour shifts!!

Anyway, I was feeling rather yucky myself and then add to that a toddler who was sick and whiny and a baby who likes to be held and you don't end of with the greatest of combinations. I couldn't get my hands free for two days straight. And that meant drinking cold coffee because I just couldn't get to it while it was hot. I felt like every sentence out of my mouth was "No Isla!" or "Stop doing that Isla!" or just a plain a very aggravated "ISLA!!!" Poor girl.

After a busy but fun weekend "hosting" family (hosting in quotes because more realistically, my family hosted themselves as I sat around in a daze, sniffling and sneezing and staring off into space), I was totally beat and in need of a good cry (a tell-tale sign of exhaustion for me). We had our 2nd date since Emma's birth on the calendar for Sunday night but we almost cancelled because we just weren't feeling up to it. I'm so glad we didn't.

We were barely off the babysitter's doorsteps before I began to cry. I think I did what we like to refer to as "emotional puke." Out spewed 12 billion thoughts, dreams, desires and frustrations all over the course of a drive downtown to dinner. I was feeling like a terrible awful no good really bad mom and I wasn't sure how I was going to launch into two more straight days of Graham back at work running on such a depleted tank.

My ever-supportive husband listened to my verbal vomit and then offered numerous words of encouragement. After a good night's rest (thanks Isla and Emma!!), I am feeling so much better and it's Monday even!! But there are so many things I want to work on. I want to be more patient, more joyful. I want to learn not to sweat the small stuff. I don't want to run an uptight home.

Motherhood is teaching me more than I ever thought possible. It reveals my ugly sides but I also hope it will reveal some strengths as well. It is by far the hardest job I have ever had. Hands down. No question. I am so thankful the Lord isn't finished with me yet. I have a lot to learn. This week I think I'll focus on joy.