Splash Park Party!

 Having kids is teaching me a lot about myself. Like I stink at gift-giving. And also kids' birthday parties aren't really my thing. But I do love celebrating and making sure my kids know they are a big deal and so for fear of being a total Grinch, I plowed ahead and helped throw a little something for Isla. I will probably never throw a Pinterest-worst bash but I'm ok with that. This year I enlisted a party planner and I don't know why I had never thought to employ her before. Isla put together invitations, made a guest list and selected her menu. It. Was. Awesome.

 I kept asking her what we should serve for lunch and she would just tell me "Mom, I'll decide when we get to Costco." We ended up serving salami, cheese, rolls, grapes and yogurt along with water and apple juice. Perfect! She chose to have a gathering at Crossroads Splash Park in Bellevue and we did it on a Tuesday morning to keep it casual.

 It just so happens that Isla's friends are the children of some of the most amazing women who just so happen to be my friends too! :)

Try as we might, it proved impossible to get a picture with all four of these buds - Isla, Maicy, Scout and Lannie - both looking and smiling.

 Isla chose a special cupcake wrapper for her cupcake (you can get the recipe here) and she loaded on the sprinkles to make sure to set it apart. She was pretty pumped about her "5" candle too.

 If you're planning a party in the near future, this girl's for hire! Seriously.

Dear Emma

A very happy birthday to my precious 3 year old! You, my dear, are beautiful both inside and out. You've got the looks AND the personality to go with it for sure! And that hair!!! You have your daddy to thank for your thick and gorgeous locks that makes grown women drool.

You are our silly girl and I don't think ever a day has passed when you haven't made us laugh. You have had a hard time falling asleep at night lately and I never know how I will find you when I come to check on you before I go to bed. Sometimes you're asleep in the hall, sometimes you're actually in your bed (but never facing the right direction!) and 98.9% of the time you've changed your outfit a time or two. The other night I found you lying backwards on your bed with your feet on your pillow, awake and wearing a tutu at 10 PM!! Though you may be drenched in sweat, you insist on TWO blankets at bedtime and sometimes socks too. Silly girl!   

You are incredibly expressive and have a love of entertaining others combined with a shy and sometimes reserved side that sets you apart. I adore the way you run to animatedly tell us that you are watching a movie (!!!), no matter that we were the ones who turned it on for you. Your love of technology is undeniable. As is your musical gifting. I'm excited to see where these things take you. And you are oh so very tender and give hugs and words of affirmation generously. If only everyone could have an Emma in their life to encourage them! I love this about you.

Once we figure out what motivates you, we will have struck gold. You are STRONG and driven in a way that is so uniquely you. You basically potty trained yourself once you set your mind to it. Our prayer for you is that you would grow to know and love Jesus and follow Him all of your days. That we as your parents would lean into your strength, tenderness and beauty and guide you to use those gifts for God's glory. You rocked my world, Emma, when you joined our family. In a very, very good way. You are a gift to everyone you meet and we love you so much!

 

Happy Birthday,

Mom and Dad

 

 

 

 



I have something I need to tell you...



I don't really know how to start this post. Which is probably why these ear buds are blasting super melancholy instrumental music into my ears, in an attempt to will the words right out of me. So I guess I'll just start writing. You see, this is something I've toyed with sharing for quite a while now but I have never known quite how. I didn't know how it would come across. And I didn't want to be judged. That's probably why my parents gifted me with a two-day writing retreat with childcare provided and I've waited until the 11th hour to start this post. I've written about nearly everything else I could think of, posted all my latest "hit" recipes on my food blog but have been avoiding being vulnerable. So here goes.

 

Last week at church, Pastor Brad preached a wonderful sermon out of the book of Nehemiah about confession. He talked about how the definition of confession is "to bring something into the light that was once kept hidden." He talked about how it is through confession that we gain greater intimacy, deepened relationships and more grace than we've ever experienced before.

 

If you possess any ability to read through the lines, it probably doesn't surprise you when I say this season of child bearing and child rearing has been particularly rough on me. It has only been in the last few months that I have finally been able to say aloud that I am struggling with depression. Back in March, a dear, dear friend (bless her!!!) had the courage to ask me to consider whether I felt the lows I was experiencing were what God intended for me. She wondered if I had ever considered seeking medical treatment. The truth was that I had considered it and quite regularly. I knew my depression was not severe in the grand scheme of things and there were days when it even felt manageable with just exercise. Graham was incredibly supportive and helped get me out on runs and occasionally we would touch on whether either of us felt more intervention was need. Even with running (which does wonders, by the way!!!), there were more days than I can count that I woke feeling like I was in a cloud, with a perpetual heaviness. The dark and wet months of fall and winter after Jack joined our family were pretty rough.

 

So in the spring, when this friend suggested that I see my doctor, it was all I needed to hear. I had an appointment made within 15 minutes. I guess I had just been waiting for someone who knew me well to nudge me off the fence I'd been sitting on for months. I needed someone to affirm that maybe it was possible not to start every day feeling the cloud. My appointment confirmed that I was suffering from mild to moderate depression and my provider left it up to me to determine whether I wanted to use pharmaceutical treatment or not. 

 

I came home to discuss matters with Graham. Of course I didn't want to "need a medication" but because this wasn't the first time I'd struggled with a bout of depression, and mostly because I was just tired of feeling the way I did, I decided to try a pill. My only hesitancy was whether a medication would be contraindicated with breastfeeding. I consulted with a physician friend who advised me that, in her opinion, the drawbacks of leaving a mother suffering from postpartum depression untreated far outweighed the minimal risks of taking the medication.

 

It's odd thinking back on it now but up until that point it had never occurred to me that my struggles could be affecting anyone other than just me. Though I was still entirely functional and able to handle the tasks of parenting and daily life, it was almost as if I'd been robbed of any joy in it all. I'd never really considered the impact my "cloud" could have on my kids. As soon as I thought about it that way, I had my doctor call in a prescription. 

 

At a follow up doctor visit, I was rambling to my provider about my struggles, about which came first, the chicken or the egg. Did I have true postpartum depression or did I already have underlying depression that was just exacerbated by the sleep deprivation and the exhaustion that comes with raising three young kids? And on and on. At one point, she cut me off and said "What I say in cases like this is who cares what caused it! If we can do something to treat it and get you feeling better, then let's do it!" I love her! I stopped short and realized she was absolutely 100% right and that was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

So why do I share all this? Hmm, good question. It's mostly in the interest of honesty and vulnerability. I've felt compelled to start practicing the values I internalize and begin sharing more openly. I believe it isn't until we are open and vulnerable with our struggles that we begin to experience true healing. I always wrestle with how much to share and on what platform to do so but I realize most of this inward battle stems from fear. I don't want others to view me as needy or negative or a basket case or even worse, incapable. But honestly I'm tired of this worldly pursuit of the appearance of perfection. I've been told far too many times than I'd like to admit that from all outward appearances, it looks like I have my crap together. And that means I've failed yet again in this pursuit of vulnerability.

 

So, I'm hopeful that somehow something in this crazy mess of words will jump out of you. Maybe it will inspire you or maybe it will just be a source of encouragement to read that you aren't alone. Or maybe even it'll be that final nudge you need to get help. So with that said, I want to shout it from the rooftops I DON'T HAVE MY CRAP TOGETHER!!!!

 

I am a mess. I'm insecure. I'm stressed. I worry a lot and get anxious. I'm depressed. We are all broken people but what I'm learning is that it is this brokenness that brings us closer to Christ as we learn to cry out to Him, to ask questions. I am exceedingly grateful that this isn't where this story ends. I am growing tremendously as He strips me down and reminds me I can't do this alone. I love this reminder from Isaiah that out of ashes will come beauty and my prayer is that my struggles can be used for God's glory!

 

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory."

Isaiah 61:3

 

So there you have it. Just a little bit of my mess.

Welcome to 5, Isla

This girl. She was mighty pleased with her pile of presents on Monday. I made the day all about her and she Ate. It. Up. I think special-birthday-girl-decision-making-powers might just be her love language! 

 

The night before her birthday, we blew up a bunch of balloons and filled up her room after she fell asleep. She was elated when she woke up and kept asking how they got there. We were still house sitting in Kirkland but she requested we go out to birthday breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa so we drove over to Seattle and met Grandma Crozier at Patty's Eggnest (Grandpa wasn't feeling well). Isla ordered pigs in a blanket and they arrived with a candle on top. She thought it was hilarious that there were sausages hidden in her pancakes!

 Next up was her last swim lesson followed by a trip to Bothell Country Village (which she kept referring to as Barnes and Noble) to window shop in the toy store, play on the playground and ride the train.

 

 

 Grandma joined us in Bothell and treated us to lunch at the Village Bean before we headed back to Kirkland. While the younger two napped, Isla and I spent some one-on-one time together putting together a paper doll, making a melty bead butterfly (which unfortunately I over-melted i.e. burned until it shriveled), and frosting cupcakes.

 Daddy got off work early to join us at McAuliffe Park for a birthday dinner pasta picnic (Caprese Pasta Bake, watermelon and bell peppers and carrots). 

 At this age, quantity is greater than quality. We aren't big present people but this year I sort of leaned into Isla's school lunch obsession and decided to wrap all the components for her lunch bag. Note the lovely homemade "wrapping paper!" I ran out of real wrap so resorted to taping together printing paper and decorating it myself. It doesn't appear that she cared.

 Our "big" gift to Isla was a new baby doll that can go in the water. She loves bathing dolls and so was thrilled and has hardly set her doll down since. She also almost immediately started referring to me as "Grandma."

 We attempted a few pictures in the park before we headed downtown Kirkland for gelato.

 Isla chose birthday cake (cake batter) and strawberry gelato and Miss Observant noticed that the shop had changed from colorful plastic to plain wooden spoons. Thankfully they had a few purple spoons left to appease the birthday girl.

Isla went to bed that night saying how much she wished it was still going to be her birthday which I think means she had a great day! 

 

 



Dear Isla

 A very happy birthday to my very favorite FIVE year old! Your daddy and I love you so much and are so grateful to be your parents! You are our little power house in every way - tons of energy, lots of emotion, never-ending ideas and creativity, and incredible leadership skills all wrapped up in a curly-topped, beautiful girl.  

You are oh so very brave and I burst with pride (and envy!) when I think about you in new challenging situations. You enter a room full of strangers and almost immediately make new friends. I have no doubt you will do well at school this year.

I also love watching you play with the friends you already have. Those you befriend sure are blessed kids! You talk about them frequently throughout the day and I love how you save them treasures you find and make all sorts of letters to send them in the mail. When you have play dates, you play happily for hours without any sort of conflict.

The past few months have been packed with change and transition. You have handled the adjustments with beauty and ease and we are so proud of how cheerfully you've adopted Grandma and Grandpa's as "home" (and you are quick to correct us if we don't refer to it as so!). I love the enthusiasm with which you approach our home tours "Mom, do you want to buy this house!?" 

I love the way you care for and keep an eye out for your siblings. They look up to you so much and I pray you will take your role as big sister seriously, leading by example and demonstrating selflessness and generosity. I've loved watching you give Emma the pink cup at mealtimes because you "know it's her favorite color."

As your parents, we have a lot of hopes and dreams for you but above all, we want you to know Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. We want you to know never-ending grace and acceptance and that our home is one of forgiveness and reconciliation when you do make mistakes. We love you so very, very much, Isla Pie! I'll close with a couple special words from your daddy: "We pray that your hair remains curly and your heart remains pure." :)

 

Love,

Mom and Dad

Lunch

I just love the way this girl is wired. Maybe it's because she takes after me. A week from Wednesday will be a day for the history books - she is starting kindergarten! It's been a bit of a process, enrolling her and all. That's because we've actually done it twice.

 

Back in the spring, we flip flopped between opting for half day program or paying for full day at Helen Keller Elementary in Kirkland. When her bedtime prayers started going something like this "Please God, let me get in half day kindergarten," we really had no argument. Then she started laying it on really thick when she started telling us that she wanted half day so she "could spend more time with our family." Uh yeah. What 4-year-old says things like that?

 

I am an indecisive person at times so having her *cough* assistance in this decision-making matter was helpful. We felt really good about our plan and so life continued. After the quick sale of our condo and move over to my in-laws in Seattle, we weren't quite sure what her school future would look like. The fact of the matter is that we were quite hopeful we would close on a new home in time to start her in the corresponding school. But when mid-August came and went, it became apparent this was not going to be the case and so I registered her for the elementary school assigned to my in-law's neighborhood.

 

Seattle Schools operate a bit different than those in Kirkland and so our choice became less clear cut. Most all kids, with the exception of literally a couple, at least at Isla's school, do full day. But Isla was still pretty insistent that her half day plan carry over to Seattle. That is until she began considering how this might impact her lunch time dreams. This was something she had neglected to consider before. Alas, would she get to break in a shiny new lunch box should she go with her original half day plan? She asked me this very thing one afternoon and I told her she would probably leave before lunch if she did half day.

 

I literally watched her input this information and then observed as her brain processed it and her tune did a complete 180. "Mom!" she said. "I changed my mind and I want to do full day."

 

Bringing this full circle to the start of this post, she and I are wired so similarly. There's next to nothing we wouldn't give for a great meal. And apparently lunch at school is where it's at. You gotta love kids and their priorities.  

One giant exhale

 Folks, it's probably no surprise that I'm tired. I over heard someone comment recently what a wonderful summer it's been and instead of agreeing, I panicked. Ack! This summer, my last summer before I send my eldest off to kindergarten, is coming to a close and here I am feeling like it hasn't even started. I guess that's what happens when one spends most weekends and days off running around town touring houses.

This past week was particularly full with my working 2 days, helping throw a party for 6 members of the extended family, doing all the preparations for the aforementioned start of kindergarten, oh and planning and shopping for two very special little girls' upcoming birthdays (*side note: if ever I decide to have more children, please talk to me about family planning so they DON'T have birthdays in the same week!!)

 When I have busy weeks like this, suddenly I am overcome with a very strong desire to burrow and disappear and reappear when it's all over. Some might say it's the introvert in me (other might argue I need to work on my coping skills!) Whatever the case, I didn't quite realize how much I needed a change of pace for a few days until it more or less fell into my lap.

A few weeks back, a sweet friend offered us her home in Kirkland while they are away on vacation. At first I nearly declined as we have wonderful, gracious hosts who have been an amazing support for our family during this time of transition (really, I couldn't ask for better family!!!) But on a whim we said yes to house sitting, if only to temporarily reduce Graham's commute to work and the drive time to all these houses we're touring on the eastside.

I never really thought about what an incredibly vulnerable thing it is to let someone else stay in your home. They see the nooks and crannies, opening cupboards and pantries, viewing what you ordinarily keep behind closed doors to visitors. I am humbled to be invited to "do life" in the space of another this week and hope to pass on the blessing in return someday. As my post title eludes, this time back in our old stomping grounds has been incredibly restful and refreshing for our family.

Today I intentionally planned nothing other than exercise and play together. After making banana pancakes (just like the song!), I went on the most amazing 5.5 mile run with my very-much-missed running buddy Olona. When we run together, I hardly even notice that I'm exercising (which is how it should be in my opinion!) because of our wonderful conversations. I came back so enthused and told Graham I'd pay big money to get to run with her regularly again. And, would you believe it, I'm pretty sure he's on board with that plan after seeing how our run set the mood for the rest of the day.  

We spent midday at our favorite beach and then came back to the house for naps, reading and playing in the yard. We made homemade pizza for dinner and then roasted s'mores in the fire pit. The day seriously felt like a dream.

 No obligations, nowhere to rush off to, just good quality, slow-paced time together as a family. 

 I'm going to bed tonight with a heart near bursting, so very grateful for this unexpected gift of a day during a stressful and exhausting season.