I have something I need to tell you...



I don't really know how to start this post. Which is probably why these ear buds are blasting super melancholy instrumental music into my ears, in an attempt to will the words right out of me. So I guess I'll just start writing. You see, this is something I've toyed with sharing for quite a while now but I have never known quite how. I didn't know how it would come across. And I didn't want to be judged. That's probably why my parents gifted me with a two-day writing retreat with childcare provided and I've waited until the 11th hour to start this post. I've written about nearly everything else I could think of, posted all my latest "hit" recipes on my food blog but have been avoiding being vulnerable. So here goes.

 

Last week at church, Pastor Brad preached a wonderful sermon out of the book of Nehemiah about confession. He talked about how the definition of confession is "to bring something into the light that was once kept hidden." He talked about how it is through confession that we gain greater intimacy, deepened relationships and more grace than we've ever experienced before.

 

If you possess any ability to read through the lines, it probably doesn't surprise you when I say this season of child bearing and child rearing has been particularly rough on me. It has only been in the last few months that I have finally been able to say aloud that I am struggling with depression. Back in March, a dear, dear friend (bless her!!!) had the courage to ask me to consider whether I felt the lows I was experiencing were what God intended for me. She wondered if I had ever considered seeking medical treatment. The truth was that I had considered it and quite regularly. I knew my depression was not severe in the grand scheme of things and there were days when it even felt manageable with just exercise. Graham was incredibly supportive and helped get me out on runs and occasionally we would touch on whether either of us felt more intervention was need. Even with running (which does wonders, by the way!!!), there were more days than I can count that I woke feeling like I was in a cloud, with a perpetual heaviness. The dark and wet months of fall and winter after Jack joined our family were pretty rough.

 

So in the spring, when this friend suggested that I see my doctor, it was all I needed to hear. I had an appointment made within 15 minutes. I guess I had just been waiting for someone who knew me well to nudge me off the fence I'd been sitting on for months. I needed someone to affirm that maybe it was possible not to start every day feeling the cloud. My appointment confirmed that I was suffering from mild to moderate depression and my provider left it up to me to determine whether I wanted to use pharmaceutical treatment or not. 

 

I came home to discuss matters with Graham. Of course I didn't want to "need a medication" but because this wasn't the first time I'd struggled with a bout of depression, and mostly because I was just tired of feeling the way I did, I decided to try a pill. My only hesitancy was whether a medication would be contraindicated with breastfeeding. I consulted with a physician friend who advised me that, in her opinion, the drawbacks of leaving a mother suffering from postpartum depression untreated far outweighed the minimal risks of taking the medication.

 

It's odd thinking back on it now but up until that point it had never occurred to me that my struggles could be affecting anyone other than just me. Though I was still entirely functional and able to handle the tasks of parenting and daily life, it was almost as if I'd been robbed of any joy in it all. I'd never really considered the impact my "cloud" could have on my kids. As soon as I thought about it that way, I had my doctor call in a prescription. 

 

At a follow up doctor visit, I was rambling to my provider about my struggles, about which came first, the chicken or the egg. Did I have true postpartum depression or did I already have underlying depression that was just exacerbated by the sleep deprivation and the exhaustion that comes with raising three young kids? And on and on. At one point, she cut me off and said "What I say in cases like this is who cares what caused it! If we can do something to treat it and get you feeling better, then let's do it!" I love her! I stopped short and realized she was absolutely 100% right and that was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

So why do I share all this? Hmm, good question. It's mostly in the interest of honesty and vulnerability. I've felt compelled to start practicing the values I internalize and begin sharing more openly. I believe it isn't until we are open and vulnerable with our struggles that we begin to experience true healing. I always wrestle with how much to share and on what platform to do so but I realize most of this inward battle stems from fear. I don't want others to view me as needy or negative or a basket case or even worse, incapable. But honestly I'm tired of this worldly pursuit of the appearance of perfection. I've been told far too many times than I'd like to admit that from all outward appearances, it looks like I have my crap together. And that means I've failed yet again in this pursuit of vulnerability.

 

So, I'm hopeful that somehow something in this crazy mess of words will jump out of you. Maybe it will inspire you or maybe it will just be a source of encouragement to read that you aren't alone. Or maybe even it'll be that final nudge you need to get help. So with that said, I want to shout it from the rooftops I DON'T HAVE MY CRAP TOGETHER!!!!

 

I am a mess. I'm insecure. I'm stressed. I worry a lot and get anxious. I'm depressed. We are all broken people but what I'm learning is that it is this brokenness that brings us closer to Christ as we learn to cry out to Him, to ask questions. I am exceedingly grateful that this isn't where this story ends. I am growing tremendously as He strips me down and reminds me I can't do this alone. I love this reminder from Isaiah that out of ashes will come beauty and my prayer is that my struggles can be used for God's glory!

 

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory."

Isaiah 61:3

 

So there you have it. Just a little bit of my mess.